Big news out of Lausanne today. Bert has hired a new lawyer, one that we all know here in the Clinic as Polish. My anonymous sources were able to record highlights of his first day at the hearing, where he stunned everyone with a brilliantly counter-intuitive approach:
“Yes, ladies and gentlemen,” Polish began, “my client, the esteemed Sr. Alberto Contador, did indeed transfuse blood.”
You can imagine the shock that reverberated throughout the room upon hearing these words. But Polish quickly pressed on.
“But guess what, everyone? Fausto doped. Jacques doped. Eddy doped. Bernard doped. Yes, even His Awesomeness Lance doped. They all doped! BFD, ladies and gentlemen, BFD.”*
At this point, Polish rose to his feet. My sources tell me he cut a magnificent figure at the hearing, towering over these ordinary folks, none of whom, unlike Polish himself of course, ever suckled at the Teats of Immortality. He walked slowly by the panel, fixing a brief but intense stare on each of its members. Then he opened his case and pulled out Exhibit A—a piece of equipment familiar to any archer.
“See this arrow!?” he boomed, holding it up high over his head. “This represents doping. But it is only one arrow in my esteemed client Sr. Contador’s QUIVER OF AWESOMENESS!”
He set the arrow down on a nearby table, then looked into the quiver that he had drawn it from, adding, “many other arrows in this quiver.”
He pulled another one out and held it up in the air. “See this? This is the arrow of laser-like focus!”
He set that down on the table, next to the doping arrow, and pulled out another arrow. “And this one, this is the “on-the-bike-six-hours-a-day-busting-thy-kiester-arrow.”
He pulled out yet another. “This is the weigh-every-particle-of-food-arrow.”
And he proceeded to pull out all the arrows from the quiver, one by one, naming each one in turn.
“This is the renewed-dedication-after-recovering-from-serious-illness-arrow.”
“This is the recon-Tour-stages-arrow.”
“This is the high-cadence-arrow.”
“This is the strong-focussed-team-arrow.”
“This is the dedicated-DS-arrow.”
“This is the superior-tactics-arrow.”
“This is the more-time-in-the-wind-tunnel-arrow.”
And on and on and on, till all the arrows were laid out on the table. Then Polish turned back to the panel.
“My client, as all of you well know, has won six Grand Tours…and counting. Do you think he accomplished this because of doping? Of course not! We all know that Eddy doped, Bernard doped, they all doped. BFD everyone, BFD. The esteemed Sr. Contador has won because he has the MOST AWESOME QUIVER IN THE ENTIRE PELOTON. He has more arrows in that quiver than any other rider. Bigger, longer, sharper, more true-flying arrows does he have.”
Polish picked up the doping arrow with one hand, and all the other most awesome arrows in his other hand. He held up both hands in front of the panel, then turned to display them to the rest of the audience.
“On the left, we have one puny little arrow. On the right, a whole quiverful of arrows. So why are we even bothering with this hearing, ladies and gentlemen? Doping or no doping, it’s a level playing field, and my client, the esteemed Alberto Contador, is the best.”
*BFD is a legal term that means "not even a misdemeanor"
* * * * * * * * *
Later that night, a source spotted Polish meeting Lance Armstrong at a café off the beaten track.
“How did I do, my Lord?” said Polish.
Armstrong spat disgustedly on the sidewalk. “You weren’t supposed to include me in the list of dopers, you idiot.”
“Oh, but I had to, your Highness. That’s the clinching argument in the case. If you doped, how can anyone possibly hold doping against anyone else, ever, in the entire future of bike racing? If it was OK for his Lanceness to do it, surely it’s OK for Alberto to do it.”
“Clinching argument? What are you talking about?” Armstrong’s face knotted in pain. “You’re supposed to get Berto sanctioned, not get him off! If he gets off, my record of seven Tour victories will never be safe.”
“But Most Awesome one,” Polish protested, “your most important accomplishment is untouchable. It will always be safe.”
“Huh? What do you mean? What could be more important than winning seven Tours?”
“You are the Most Awesome doper of all time,” replied Polish reverently. “No one will ever accomplish so much through chemistry as you did.”
“Yes, ladies and gentlemen,” Polish began, “my client, the esteemed Sr. Alberto Contador, did indeed transfuse blood.”
You can imagine the shock that reverberated throughout the room upon hearing these words. But Polish quickly pressed on.
“But guess what, everyone? Fausto doped. Jacques doped. Eddy doped. Bernard doped. Yes, even His Awesomeness Lance doped. They all doped! BFD, ladies and gentlemen, BFD.”*
At this point, Polish rose to his feet. My sources tell me he cut a magnificent figure at the hearing, towering over these ordinary folks, none of whom, unlike Polish himself of course, ever suckled at the Teats of Immortality. He walked slowly by the panel, fixing a brief but intense stare on each of its members. Then he opened his case and pulled out Exhibit A—a piece of equipment familiar to any archer.
“See this arrow!?” he boomed, holding it up high over his head. “This represents doping. But it is only one arrow in my esteemed client Sr. Contador’s QUIVER OF AWESOMENESS!”
He set the arrow down on a nearby table, then looked into the quiver that he had drawn it from, adding, “many other arrows in this quiver.”
He pulled another one out and held it up in the air. “See this? This is the arrow of laser-like focus!”
He set that down on the table, next to the doping arrow, and pulled out another arrow. “And this one, this is the “on-the-bike-six-hours-a-day-busting-thy-kiester-arrow.”
He pulled out yet another. “This is the weigh-every-particle-of-food-arrow.”
And he proceeded to pull out all the arrows from the quiver, one by one, naming each one in turn.
“This is the renewed-dedication-after-recovering-from-serious-illness-arrow.”
“This is the recon-Tour-stages-arrow.”
“This is the high-cadence-arrow.”
“This is the strong-focussed-team-arrow.”
“This is the dedicated-DS-arrow.”
“This is the superior-tactics-arrow.”
“This is the more-time-in-the-wind-tunnel-arrow.”
And on and on and on, till all the arrows were laid out on the table. Then Polish turned back to the panel.
“My client, as all of you well know, has won six Grand Tours…and counting. Do you think he accomplished this because of doping? Of course not! We all know that Eddy doped, Bernard doped, they all doped. BFD everyone, BFD. The esteemed Sr. Contador has won because he has the MOST AWESOME QUIVER IN THE ENTIRE PELOTON. He has more arrows in that quiver than any other rider. Bigger, longer, sharper, more true-flying arrows does he have.”
Polish picked up the doping arrow with one hand, and all the other most awesome arrows in his other hand. He held up both hands in front of the panel, then turned to display them to the rest of the audience.
“On the left, we have one puny little arrow. On the right, a whole quiverful of arrows. So why are we even bothering with this hearing, ladies and gentlemen? Doping or no doping, it’s a level playing field, and my client, the esteemed Alberto Contador, is the best.”
*BFD is a legal term that means "not even a misdemeanor"
* * * * * * * * *
Later that night, a source spotted Polish meeting Lance Armstrong at a café off the beaten track.
“How did I do, my Lord?” said Polish.
Armstrong spat disgustedly on the sidewalk. “You weren’t supposed to include me in the list of dopers, you idiot.”
“Oh, but I had to, your Highness. That’s the clinching argument in the case. If you doped, how can anyone possibly hold doping against anyone else, ever, in the entire future of bike racing? If it was OK for his Lanceness to do it, surely it’s OK for Alberto to do it.”
“Clinching argument? What are you talking about?” Armstrong’s face knotted in pain. “You’re supposed to get Berto sanctioned, not get him off! If he gets off, my record of seven Tour victories will never be safe.”
“But Most Awesome one,” Polish protested, “your most important accomplishment is untouchable. It will always be safe.”
“Huh? What do you mean? What could be more important than winning seven Tours?”
“You are the Most Awesome doper of all time,” replied Polish reverently. “No one will ever accomplish so much through chemistry as you did.”
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