- Jul 27, 2010
- 5,121
- 883
- 19,680
The problem starts right at the shop, when our Clinician goes to buy a bike:
Clinic Poster: Does this bike have a hidden motor in it?
Salesperson: Er, no. Is that what you’re looking for?
CP: Of course I’m looking for them! I’m always looking for them! They’re everywhere now. But that’s not what I want to buy.
SP: I can assure you, there is no motor inside that bike. (Lifting it up). See how light it is.
CP: I’m sure I don’t have to point out to you that a 30 watt motor can weigh just a few hundred grams. (Looking around the shop). I don’t suppose you have an X-ray machine…no, of course not, you wouldn’t do your customers that little favor, would you? (Pulls out a bag of tools).
SP: Hey, what are you doing?! You can’t take that bike apart!
CP: I’ll expect you to reassemble it properly when I’m done. And of course, I’ll watch you do it, just to make sure you don’t try to sneak a motor inside. (Glancing around the shop again). If I were you, I’d insist that woman over there leave the store.
SP: Why?
CP: She’s carrying a bird cage.
So a clean bike is purchased. But that’s only the beginning of the problems.
CP: Honey, you’ll have to drive me to work today.
Spouse: Why? Is there a problem with your bike?
CP: My bike is fine, I’m the problem. I had two cups of coffee this morning, and I took an aspirin last night. I don’t even have a TUE for aspirin.
S: What is a TUE?
CP: Transformation is Unbelievable Excuse. It’s basically a form of legalized doping.
S: So?
CP: I have an unfair advantage.
S: An unfair advantage over whom?
CP: Over thousands of other, clean commuters. Suppose I get to work today five minutes ahead of my co-workers. That wouldn’t be fair, would it?
And you definitely don’t want to meet a Clinician while you’re out for a ride.
Rider (as Clinician catches up to him): Hey, man.
CP: Empty your pockets, please.
R: What?
CP: Empty your pockets. I want to see what drugs you’re on.
R: Drugs? I’m not on any drugs!
CP: Then how come it was so difficult for me to catch you? (Checking his power meter). You were putting out more than 4.5 watts/kg back there. Less than 5% of adult males in your age group can do that. Very suspicious.
R: I’m a racer, I train very hard.
CP: Then you’re definitely on something. How could you train so hard if you weren’t? (Peering at the rider closely). Is that a needle mark on your arm? Sure looks like one.
R: I hate needles.
CP: (Pulling out a cell phone and going online). There’s a pharmacy less than five miles from here. That’s extremely suspicious. What are the odds a pharmacy would just happen to be in the neighborhood of where you’re riding?
R: I live in this area.
CP: How very convenient. I see there’s a major clinic in the area, too. I suppose that’s just coincidence, that you can put out that much power while living near a place where known blood transfusions have occurred.
R: I’ve never had a blood transfusion in my life.
CP: You look emaciated. What’s your secret? Clenbuterol? AICAR? GW?
R: I’ve never even heard of those things.
CP: Come on, man, we’re less than 300 miles from the Mexican border. Don’t act naïve. Any doctors or nurses in your family?
R: My wife is a medical technician.
CP: That pretty much clinches it, doesn’t it? Pull over, please, and let me see your UCI license.
Clinic Poster: Does this bike have a hidden motor in it?
Salesperson: Er, no. Is that what you’re looking for?
CP: Of course I’m looking for them! I’m always looking for them! They’re everywhere now. But that’s not what I want to buy.
SP: I can assure you, there is no motor inside that bike. (Lifting it up). See how light it is.
CP: I’m sure I don’t have to point out to you that a 30 watt motor can weigh just a few hundred grams. (Looking around the shop). I don’t suppose you have an X-ray machine…no, of course not, you wouldn’t do your customers that little favor, would you? (Pulls out a bag of tools).
SP: Hey, what are you doing?! You can’t take that bike apart!
CP: I’ll expect you to reassemble it properly when I’m done. And of course, I’ll watch you do it, just to make sure you don’t try to sneak a motor inside. (Glancing around the shop again). If I were you, I’d insist that woman over there leave the store.
SP: Why?
CP: She’s carrying a bird cage.
So a clean bike is purchased. But that’s only the beginning of the problems.
CP: Honey, you’ll have to drive me to work today.
Spouse: Why? Is there a problem with your bike?
CP: My bike is fine, I’m the problem. I had two cups of coffee this morning, and I took an aspirin last night. I don’t even have a TUE for aspirin.
S: What is a TUE?
CP: Transformation is Unbelievable Excuse. It’s basically a form of legalized doping.
S: So?
CP: I have an unfair advantage.
S: An unfair advantage over whom?
CP: Over thousands of other, clean commuters. Suppose I get to work today five minutes ahead of my co-workers. That wouldn’t be fair, would it?
And you definitely don’t want to meet a Clinician while you’re out for a ride.
Rider (as Clinician catches up to him): Hey, man.
CP: Empty your pockets, please.
R: What?
CP: Empty your pockets. I want to see what drugs you’re on.
R: Drugs? I’m not on any drugs!
CP: Then how come it was so difficult for me to catch you? (Checking his power meter). You were putting out more than 4.5 watts/kg back there. Less than 5% of adult males in your age group can do that. Very suspicious.
R: I’m a racer, I train very hard.
CP: Then you’re definitely on something. How could you train so hard if you weren’t? (Peering at the rider closely). Is that a needle mark on your arm? Sure looks like one.
R: I hate needles.
CP: (Pulling out a cell phone and going online). There’s a pharmacy less than five miles from here. That’s extremely suspicious. What are the odds a pharmacy would just happen to be in the neighborhood of where you’re riding?
R: I live in this area.
CP: How very convenient. I see there’s a major clinic in the area, too. I suppose that’s just coincidence, that you can put out that much power while living near a place where known blood transfusions have occurred.
R: I’ve never had a blood transfusion in my life.
CP: You look emaciated. What’s your secret? Clenbuterol? AICAR? GW?
R: I’ve never even heard of those things.
CP: Come on, man, we’re less than 300 miles from the Mexican border. Don’t act naïve. Any doctors or nurses in your family?
R: My wife is a medical technician.
CP: That pretty much clinches it, doesn’t it? Pull over, please, and let me see your UCI license.
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