Whereabouts System 2.0

[Bala Verde]

As cycling fans, we should be a little more supportive in our quest to clean up the sport. Therefore, I suggest we collect data about pro cyclists and/or actual encounters - preferably demonstrated by a picture - to identify their whereabouts.

Just as some areas have a self-organised neighbourhood watch, the cycling forum could be a lot more vigilant and perform a similar role. In the end, it will spare us the embarassment of yet another caught cyclist, since we are likely to expose him, and it will provide us with an historical archive which enables us to determine the veracity of accusations based on changes in performance.

Date: 15 June 2009 - +/- 22 June 2009
Location: Alpes, TdF 2009. Col de Mosses, Verbier; Col du Grand Saint-Bernard, Col de Petit Saint-Bernard; Cormet de Roselend, Col de Saisies, Cote d'Areches, Col de Romme, Col de la Colombiere; Col d'Ey, Mont Ventoux
Who: Robert Gesink, Denis Menchov, Laurens Ten Dam en J.A. Flecha

Date: 15 June 2009
Location: Verbier
Who: Cadel Evans seen by Gesink at the top of Verbier

Date: 16 June 2009 - 23 June 2009
Location: Alpes, TdF 2009. Col de Mosses, Verbier; Col du Grand Saint-Bernard, Col de Petit Saint-Bernard; Cormet de Roselend, Col de Saisies, Cote d'Areches, Col de Romme, Col de la Colombiere; Col d'Ey, Mont Ventoux
Who: Carlos Sastre, Iñigo Cuesta, José Angel Gómez Marchante, Xavi Florencio, Oscar Pujol en Joaquín Novoa

 

[ElChingon]

Date: March 21, 2009 at approximately 12:30pm
Location: Highway 52 heading East between Santo Road On-ramp and Mission Gorge Road off-ramp, riding in the concrete barrier protected bike lane.
Who: Helmetless Chris Horner

Just doing my part

 

[joe_papp]

Have you guys ever seen what the whereabouts digital form looks like?

Let me see if I can pull mine up and take a snap of it...

 

[joe_papp]

Whereabouts Testing - Wanna know what it's really like?

If You're in the OOC Testing Pool and USADA Asks You to Update Them on Your Whereabouts...

So, first arrives via email a gentle reminder that the deadline to submit whereabouts info is approaching, and I've yet to submit mine... Despite Todd Wells's complaining to the contrary (he gets paid enough that he should be able to handle this not-so-herculean task), at least in the USA it's all pretty easy, friendly and professional; after awhile I'd even become Facebook friends with the Doping Control Officer (DCO) who collected my samples, so often did we interact professionally. Of course, it's possible that if the DCO is jerk, the sample collection process could be tense and unpleasant (just as it would be if the athlete was a scheissekopf). But if you have a DCO who is "cool" at best, or professional at worst, and you're not a stronzo, it actually is about as pleasant an exchange as could be expected. I remember one time while trying to hydrate enough to pee (using BEER of course, which the DCO refused when I politely offered him a bottle - I think it was a Chimay or some other Belgian trappist), we were listening to new music on Itunes and he was giving me music suggestions while my kidneys and bladder did their stuff. [Note to USADA: DCO's like the guy you send to collect my samples are the kind of people to continue to employ! Not, by comparison, someone like the Euro-tester who broke Kevin van Impe's balls. The Quick Step rider was at a crematorium in Lochristi, Belgium when a drug tester showed up demanding the rider provide a sample, and warned that he would face a two-year suspension if he refused...]

So here's that reminder:

So then you gotta hustle over to the USADA website and log-in:

Lots of good, supplemental info. I'll give USADA credit...they certainly play fair with athletes if there is no violation to adjudicate! No complaints about the website and the material available therein.

Then you're into the inner sanctum. At least they tell you what you need to know in order to make the process go smoothly:

SWEET! The system will pre-populate for me:

Now there is still a lot left to do, but I'm tired. But I'm trying to show all the fans out there that I personally am playing fair (even though I'm just training right now with no competitions scheduled), I'm not an hijo de puta, I'm trying to walk the straight and narrow, USADA is not the nefarious organization that Floyd Landis and co. have made it out to be, etc. I really wanna go to bed so I'm going to hold off on filing my Q3 info until later. If you want to see more of that process, let me know...I'm happy to share. The only hard part for me is remembering to update my whereabouts when my schedule changes...

I envision being out one night in say, Miami, and connecting with some beautiful Latina named Sandra and going back to her place, only to realize at some point later during the night, "Hijo de puta! I have to update my USADA whereabouts because if I don't it's guaranteed that tomorrow will be the day they show up at my house at 6AM to control me and I'll be curled up in a bed here and not at the address that is listed on my form! Now how the frakk do I use the SMS-feature to update USADA? [The 'mood' is killed and several minutes pass as I plod through my BlackBerry trying to find the note I took for myself on the topic of remote updates via text, for just this occasion.] Finally, I figure it out, and then ask, in a manner that will always be awkward no matter when or how it is phrased, "Oye, mi amor, que es tu dirección? Necesito avisar a mis reguladores en USADA que si mañana vengan a las 6 de la mañana para pedir que hago peepee, ellos deben pasar por aca en vez de mi casa. No te preocupes! Soy ex-deportista infame y la gente tiene ganas de saber con quién ando! Ellos son como mi propia Papparazzi!"

Thanks for reading, folks. But before I go, please let me give a tip of the hat to Tanya L. for her love of Chimay, my cousin Robert for manning-up, defending his PD's honor and finally trying a Chimay, D.S., for significant consulting services rendered on an upcoming cycling-related project, and Phil I., for keeping me entertained with stories from OZ.

Be back soon! But not before I get some miles in these not-so-old legs!

 

[Bala Verde]

That is some great inside info Joe! Keep the anacdotes (whether or not about indecent encounters with chiquitas gua****imas en Miami) coming!

PS>funny, even the superlative of guapa is censored, because in the middle it contains the word that references to the yellow bodily fluids that can be forced to leave the bladder by downing a couple of Chimays, so as to please DCOs...

 

[whiteboytrash]

The 'mood' is killed and several minutes pass as I plod through my BlackBerry trying to find the note I took for myself on the topic of remote updates via text, for just this occasion.[/I]] Finally, I figure it out, and then ask, in a manner that will always be awkward no matter when or how it is phrased, "Oye, mi amor, que es tu dirección? Necesito avisar a mis reguladores en USADA que si mañana vengan a las 6 de la mañana para pedir que hago peepee, ellos deben pasar por aca en vez de mi casa. No te preocupes! Soy ex-deportista infame y la gente tiene ganas de saber con quién ando! Ellos son como mi propia Papparazzi!"

Hmmmm I think Mrs, WBT works for USADA

 

[analo69]

Thank you for your time to show us the whereabouts procedures.

I hadnt realised how much info you are obliged to give to the USDA. It isnt easy to be an elite cyclist obviously. Thank god I can just ride my bike when I want to.

Thank you