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Armstrong suing U.S. Army

Mar 18, 2009
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Lance Armstrong is brimming with indignation once again, and this time the seven-time Tour de France champion's outrage is aimed at none other than the United States Army.

Armstrong announced today that he had filed suit in U.S. District Court charging the Army with trademark infringement, and is seeking damages in the amount of $8 million.

The complaint alleges that the tagline of the Army's ad campaign of the last several years -- "You made them strong. We'll make them Armystrong" -- is a deliberate allusion to his name and his Livestrong(TM) brand.

Standing in front of the Pentagon and dressed in a form-fitting blue suit and red cape (with yellow trim), Armstrong declared, "On behalf of my Livestrong Noble Cause, and the 8 million people worldwide I represent who have been affected by the dreaded disease of blind hero-worship, I am here today to put an end to this inanity -- um, I mean insanity. I am entitled to damages for every soldier who has been recruited through this illegal campaign, but I'm doing this for my followers, so that's why I'm asking for $8 million. That's a buck for everyone in the Livestrong(TM) Army, so they can go out and hoist a Shiner Bock on me!"

He then spent a full minute glaring at the Pentagon before his handlers turned him around to face television cameras again. The AP reports that a DEFCON 3 was triggered at this time.

Armstrong revealed that he first complained about the matter to the Army's Public Liaison Office in 2005, and sporadic negotiations had been in progress ever since. A settlement offer from the Army of $500,000 in exchange for Armstrong's forgiveness fell through last month.

"I told them that their offer wasn't worth the chair I was sitting on, so why should I forgive them?," said Armstrong, who bristled at the suggestion that He was indisposed when He declined the settlement offer. "Yes, I was on my throne, but not the kind your gutter journalist's mind is thinking of. It's the one LeBron [James] gave to me, but since you've asked, even though I'm not sure you deserve an answer, yeah, my toilet is layered in 24-karat gold, and it's insured for $1,000,000."

An Army spokesman declined comment on the matter. A preliminary hearing is set for February 29, 2010.
Mar 31, 2009
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