LANCE ARMSTRONG TO BUY CYCLING NEWS
Lance Armstrong, former pro cyclist and once considered the winner of seven Tours de France, stunned the cycling world today with his announcement that he is buying Cycling News, the premier source on the internet for everything related to the sport of cycling.
“As you all know,” Armstrong began his press conference, “I have a deep love for pro cycling and for everyone associated in any way with it, particularly all you journalists. This is my way of giving back to the sport that has given me so much.”
Armstrong said that one of his priorities would be upgrading the news services of CN. “While they have made a good beginning in revealing some of the corruption associated with cycling today, there is much yet to be done. Some of the most powerful and influential figures associated with cycling’s problems have yet to be identified,” he said, adding that under his editorial direction, CN would soon publish hard-hitting exposes on Travis Tygart, Jeff Novitsky, Greg Lemond and Betsy Andreu.
When asked if the news budget would be significantly increased, Armstrong replied that this would not be necessary. “We will not actually be doing any research on these stories,” he explained. “Our purpose is just to make people more aware of them.”
Armstrong said he was particularly excited to be working with CN forums. “The Clinic is a long-time favorite of mine,” he exclaimed, “I’m practically addicted to it.” He was seen to wipe away a tear or two when he added, “I probably have the Clinic to thank for where I am today.”
He emphasized that one of his first actions would be to stop the practice of perma-banning. “I don’t believe in lifetime bans,” he explained. “Most forum infractions will result in a short ban of two years, with a maximum of eight years for particularly difficult cases.” He added that he would consider reducing a ban to less than two years if a forum member “provides me with useful information about other members”. Armstrong said that he was eager to take over moderating duties at the forum, “just as soon as CN hands over to me the names and email addresses of all its members.”
Armstrong also said he has major plans for the Technology Division of CN, expanding it to include in-depth discussions of the pros and cons of the latest products and services on the market. “As you all know, I am a world authority on enhancing performance,” he pointed out. “I want to share my extensive knowledge with the readers, and promise to have regular articles on this subject.” Armstrong went on to list some of the topics he planned to discuss in detail in the coming weeks, including:
• How to transport substances safely across national borders
• Learn to bargain to avoid overpaying for “special services” from the UCI
• The proper way to backdate prescriptions
• Getting the best deals on centrifuges, freezers and more!
• Three secrets guaranteed to reduce your glow time by at least 20%
• How candid should you be with your doctor?
• Should you or shouldn’t you hire a former teammate? Weighing the hidden costs
Armstrong concluded the press conference by announcing that CN had decided to present an annual award to the journalist who makes the most valuable contribution to professional cycling.
“I’m pleased to announce that the winner of the inaugural award is David Walsh, for his magnificent work, Inside Team Sky. David, of course, is a long-time friend of mine. He has documented for the first time how one can reach the top of the sport simply by training one additional hour per day, abstaining from drinking beer, and making strategic use of tailwinds. I only wish that he had written a book like this about my team while I was active in the sport.”
“Just remember,” Armstrong said at the close, “there are no miracles in cycling. There’s no substitute for blood, sweat and tears. In that order.”
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