^^^^^^^^Merckx said:Makes me think of this facebook group
********************* -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- ********************
Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Euro Cyclist. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said Euro Cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel, while racing shall be guided by sensations and instinct: that is to say, ?soul.? The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.
3. The Euro Cyclist shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or ANY team kit
containing non-prominent logos. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom (distinct in colour). In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!
4. Legs shall be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (be it large or small) with ANY amount of stubble visible on one?s legs.
5. A prominent line where one?s kit ends and where one?s deep tan begins is essential to one's image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.
6. The socks of the Euro Cyclist shall extend to within two (2) cm. of the main bulge of the calf muscle, and shall never extend further than one (1) cm. past said primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.
7. Cycling shoes shall contain at least 80% white!
The following exceptions apply:
i) Colour combinations such as world cup stripes or Olympic gold for which the title has been EARNED.
ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes shall be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.
8. If white cycling shoes are not available where the Euro Cyclist resides, white booties (or ?shoe covers?) with prominent logos shall ALWAYS be worn. When booties are worn, socks shall protrude approximately seven (7) cm. above the ankle, and shall always protrude at a minimum one (1) cm. from any booties worn.
9. One?s bike frame shall contain between two (2) and four (4) colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully and elegantly. In addition, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.
10. One shall race only on Campagnolo Boras or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404 or 202) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Irregardless, ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES on both training and race bikes.
11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of one?s ability in gluing them.
12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.
13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). The helmet shall be predominantly white. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with one?s euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors AT ANY TIME. It is, however, acceptable to wear one?s helmet while outdoors on a patio (see rule 34).
14. In certain RARE cases, it shall be deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in a severely euro style, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE that rule 12 is followed in these special instances.
15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. The cycling cap may be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with the specifics of one?s current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all times in place of caps.
16. Kits must always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette (or ?cologne?). It is, AT ALL TIMES FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit. This is severely detrimental to one?s image.
17. Saddles shall be white in colour ONLY and shall be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions may be made in the following cases:
i) Saddles containing World Cup Stripes or Olympic Gold when it is EARNED
ii) Italian flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)
18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape shall be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or through frequent replacement. These jobs must NEVER be performed by the cyclist as one must maintain one?s image.
19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm long and of a rise no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours. In certain cases (Mario Cipollini) it is advised that one airbrush a buxom young woman onto the top of one?s stem.
20. The Euro Cyclist shall ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
21. Facial hair shall be restricted to (at a maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, and any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note that this DOES NOT apply to the legs.
22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable component and it is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances and situations. The Euro Cyclist is expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is, however, a case by case exception for SRAM Red.
23. One shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than 2000? in ANY public place. This may be severely detrimental to one?s image. If such a situation cannot be helped, it is CRITICAL that the Euro Cyclist regard his ?acquaintance? with a patrician mixture of disdain and SEVERE condescension.
24. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. This cannot be overemphasized! It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto one?s body before a race.
25. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are: cross-country skiing and long track speed skating.
26. Mountain bike gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves shall be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case of a Euro Cyclist wearing a leader?s jersey special gloves shall be made to match the colour of the jersey while simultaneously blending the colours of the team kit.
27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or TRIATHLETE) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Euro Cyclist, he is required to ride up uncomfortably close to his foe and slap them in the face with his team issue gloves.
28. In the event a motorist disturbs one?s ride: one shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing one?s best to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm and head movements (?Gesticulation?) are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.
29. One shall NEVER rearrange one?s package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.
30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within two (2) metres of one?s bike.
31. Gearing shall be restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. One must never be seen pedaling at a cadence greater than 90 rpm in order not to detract from one?s calm/smooth factor, or ?Suplesse.? The use of 25-toothed cog is acceptable for severely mountainous training situations.
32. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to one?s home country?s flag, located on the top-tube within ten (10) cm. of the seat-tube ON THE DRIVE SIDE ONLY.
33. Pedals MUST be either Look or Time. No other pedals are to be considered. As always, ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
34. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit; it shall be drunk BLACK. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all). The euro cyclist shall, if possible, develop a fondness for the triple ristretto.
35. All podium shots (?pictures?) shall be taken while wearing one?s team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as Pumas). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. One is expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophies. The bulge may vary according to the outlandishness/impracticality of the victory prize (e.g. livestock and/or enormous cheese wheels).