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If Pro Cyclists could tell the truth about doping...

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thehog

thehog

BANNED
Jul 27, 2009
31,285
2
22,485
“I was worried about losing my contract, so my girlfriend knew this guy who could get undetectable AICAR and boom! Got 2nd in a GT and new 3 years deal’

“Something wasn’t right out there today. Not sure if it was a bad hit of EPO or if came from China or something but my legs weren’t moving like they normally do when I microdose”.

“It was a good ride today, I’m proud of it, I looked down at my powermeter at one point I was 6.1w/kg all the way up the final climb! I phoned Ferrari straight afterwards and thanked-him”

“The team selected will be based on training, results, hematocrit levels and low glow readings”
 
The Hitch

The Hitch

Jun 14, 2010
34,930
60
22,580
The day I was told I had tested positive for Clenbuterol I was cycling in the basque country. We were hungry so stopped at a local butchers to eat. But he wouldn't let us leave our bikes in the restuarant. Said we could leave them on the road or eat somewhere else. The next restuarant was 2 hours down the road. It was a painful 2 hours. But I got through it thinking "jokes on you mother****"
 
The Hitch

The Hitch

Jun 14, 2010
34,930
60
22,580
Chris took David out for a few drinks at a local nightclub. A way to let him win over David for the book. Alcohol needed to be involved cos sober he's almost as bland as brad. I told him to take it easy though since he's a bit of a lightweight. The next day Chris phones me sobbing and starts mumbling "Sir Dave, I ****ed up big time" begging me to forgive him

We had him wired of course, so Chris sent me the tape.
.

Turns out the idiot had gotten so smashed he started talking absolute nonesense and inventing stories so ridiculous, the type only drunk people are capable of. When I got the tape I could only stand listening to it for a few minutes before I had to switch it off. It was that cringe worthy.

It was bad enough that he gave a total science fiction account of bilharzia and mixed up his story. He tried to swindle David by offering to sell him his sandshoes and claiming that they were the same ones he rode his entire amateur career in.

Then he started to give Walsh a synopsis of the jungle book but forgot the bear's name so instead referred to him as "Kinja"

The last thing I heard was them ordering some sambuka and Chris yelling to the bar that he thinks he is Jesus.

You could only imagine our shock when the book came out 3 months later and it was all in there.
 
thehog

thehog

BANNED
Jul 27, 2009
31,285
2
22,485
"I love him, I think he's great. He's transformed the sport in so many ways. Every person in cycling has benefitted from Lance Armstrong, perhaps not financially but in some sense. Even his strongest critics have benefitted from him. I don't think this sport will ever realise what he's brought it or how big he's made it."

"Cycling was in the dark ages before he came along, in many ways. You only have to look at the support along the roads, compared to what it was 20 years ago. The majority of that is because of Lance Armstrong. Obviously he has his enemies and people among the fans who don't like him, but they've all benefitted from him and his existence on the Tour".

Actually, this one is real :cool:
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
"wow, that lipotropin works better than the GW-1516, I lost about 10lbs this week, I am gunna add the GW as a chaser, and lets see some real results"

"my veins are popping like a priapus on speed"

dave+viney.bmp

1406559080_1085893178.jpg
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
Kinja told me how to strangle brazilian pythons with mere grit and determination, it built my intenstinal fortitude, it built this body, well, the lipotropin did part of the meta building by breaking down the body and making me leaner than a Bono ethiopian famine child and an angelina joley adoptee <n alliterations>
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
cound got out the vespa to do some motopacing in the hills around monaco, cath would always use a lambretta for motopacing brad, but michelle prefers a vespa, in italian it is italian for wasp, she can get the vespa up to 7 watts per kilo when we are climbing, we dont even need motoman and the bloodbag couriers cos we are based in monaco, occasionally we see novak djokovic riding his own vespa in the hills, he can only do 6 watts, one less than michelle, and we slow down for him then we swap stories on which supplements and which doctors we are seeing in monaco, it is all very communal and cordial, monaco is like that, doping, money, money and doping, and doctors and more money. its quite nice really for the ex-pat, doping services on your doorstep and no taxes. whats not to like?
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
I have so many veins, I am struggling to pick one to mainline and put the canula in. With Hilde Kloden, he said, you get the tattoo, and then all the injections and bruises can hide behind the ink. This was before hipsters and Allen Iverson, we were doing the ink. Did you ever here of the song penned for Portlandia about tattoo ink running dry in Portland because of the hipsters? Well, we are not drying the ink clean here in Freiburg, but when every Olympics comes around AMGEN and their inventory and hospitals run out of Edgar. If you have anemia or cancer or kidney disease and need your Edgar, well you will be fukced, you can reconcile urself with some penguin classics tho, cos we at Rio in 2018 will be mainlining the edgar and AICAR.
fa7e74be5427218320107847aa12e765.jpg

51501764a18b4cfd7c00e6620c1bf2ce.jpg

tumblr_lrp4vk1lMZ1qbljjlo1_500.jpg
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
the kenyans are now asking me how we get so lean, is it just the genetics of the whiteman, they speak of that hollywood feature film with the coke bottle, the gods have gone crazy, but they dont remember skinny white men, only coke bottles and planes. bernard kohl the elephant man's manager and preparatore stefan matschiner does not have many secrets in his stable of kenyan runners, just hard work, diet, training, work ethic, some muscular christianity, and a gluten free diet. he has not cottoned on to the aicar GW1516 lipotropin cocktail, i have lord coe on speeddial, i know he has good contacts in monaco and could be the supply channel to skinny black runners in rio. mo farah eat ur heart out

do you think Mos Def looks a little like Mo Farah? I do
 
P

pastronef

Aug 19, 2011
8,280
2,450
20,680
it was nice to ride for livestrong, without Lance where would we be? also Och is good, it was nice to win again for the team after I broke my leg last year at the Nats. Merckx is the greatest. my former coach Axel and all my loving fans agree with me
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
those Jaja Panda cocaine parties in Cannes were the bomb. literally.

Jaja gave invites to a few mafia hoods from Toulouse, the ones that pistol whipped Henk Vogels, when Henk and Stuey Mate and rockstar Millar got a little lippy and uppity, he was smart to invite them cos they were to provide the coke and pot belge and weed for the party for the invite. The party goes off, Stuey Mate made up with the mafia thugs thanks to Whitey Mate doing the intervention and being the captain on the road. The Australians can really party, they hammered that night, us weak-willed Francophones were no match for the Aussies.

all we lacked was Cipo and his harem of Italian television glamour models from the Berlusconi tv empire suite
 
J

john_d

Mar 10, 2009
27
0
0
Re:

The Hitch said:
The day I was told I had tested positive for Clenbuterol I was cycling in the basque country. We were hungry so stopped at a local butchers to eat. But he wouldn't let us leave our bikes in the restuarant. Said we could leave them on the road or eat somewhere else. The next restuarant was 2 hours down the road. It was a painful 2 hours. But I got through it thinking "jokes on you mother****"
Click to expand...


ha ha ha ha ha ha
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
Fran and Sir Dave came into team HQ Sky, or team Sky HQ, we usually just call it Big Blue GB, they have come into team HQ to give us a pep-talk about winning behaviours before the Tour. Fran developed this brilliant tract that formalises the marginal gains strategy into a wider theory and policy.

For this year at the Tour, Sir Dave has some significant evolutions, we have this new antiseptic petroleum jelly to use, we have this in our musettes and put it over our fingers when we insert the pot belge suppositories for the last 30 miles of this stage. It really works, and it is quite brilliant. And it washes off quite easily when we retire to our individual campers.

Michelle is pretty happy she has Chris' camper to watch the final of stages on, she can get a bit angsty and tetchy in the last ten kms. that was good when we could divide and rule on Michelle and Kath, and allow them their twitter scrag fights. As it is now, Michelle has no source to release her pent up anxiety.
 
blackcat

blackcat

Mar 13, 2009
16,854
2
0
Re:

nayr497 said:
He told me it was a new recipe for his renowned rice cakes. I had no idea what was in them.
Click to expand...
it was meta. #glutenfree.

Like Lim's hail mary stage 16 bidons from heaven tom brady deflategate redzone
 
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