cycling satire

[the sceptic]

http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/12/news/cycling-remains-faith-game_354755

By 2012, “clean teams” had not only become the norm, they were good for business. Teams were begging riders not to dope, for fear that sponsors would pack up and jump ship. That summer, just weeks before USADA vaporized Planet Armstrong, Bradley Wiggins won the yellow jersey with a credible, believable, almost transcendent Tour victory.

Yet two years past the Wiggins’ benchmark yellow jersey, there are troubling signs that not everyone has “seen the light.”

There are whispers that riders and teams are still pushing the ethical limit. There have been abuses of the TUE process, and stories of riders and teams taking any substance not on the banned list. Perhaps more exasperating is the continued lack of transparency in the anti-doping process.

Without question, professional cycling has undergone an extraordinary transformation in little more than a decade. Gone are big-ring attacks over first-category climbs 40km from the finish line. Winning moves these days usually come inside 3km to go in what’s become a race of attrition. Riders today are emaciated to the bone, dancing out on the razor’s edge in search of magical power-to-weight numbers. Today’s GC contenders are weighing 137 pounds at 6-foot-2, compared to 172-pound giants during the EPO era. Chris Froome is all sinew and elbows compared to the muscle-bound, EPO-fueled riders of the previous generation.

Did Vincenzo Nibali win the Tour clean? All evidence points to that he did. Can we dare to believe?

 

[mrhender]

 

[Benotti69]

might as well call it 'omertanews' rather than velonews..........

 

[The Hitch]

I'd like to see Mr hood's "evidence"that nibali won clean.

 

[frenchfry]

Wiggins transcendent? I don't have much of an opinion of him one way or another, but transcendent?

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

 

[The Hitch]

Wiggins transcendent? I don't have much of an opinion of him one way or another, but transcendent?

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

hood probably heard the word somewhere and thought adding the word would make the piece look more intelligent. Kind of like Walsh in parts of ITS which have loads of meaningless adjectives that make little sense and only extend the word count.

 

[the sceptic]

Wiggins transcendent? I don't have much of an opinion of him one way or another, but transcendent?

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

What I really like is that after saying Wiggins is God, he starts talking about how the rest of the peloton might have not seen the light.

And then he goes on to talk about Sky and the horse steroids affair.

Amazing stuff

 

[LaFlorecita]

Pffff I used to think Hood was quite good

 

[Granville57]

Satire indeed.

WTF is this article all about?

It’s important to remember the sport had already changed from within years before USADA came out with its devastating “reasoned decision.” The real catalyst for change had its seeds in 2006, with the double-whammy of Operación Puerto blood doping ring and the Floyd Landis doping positive at the Tour de France.

LOL. Operation Puerto doesn't exactly sound like something that "came from within."

USADA’s shocking verdict two years ago served as a detailed testament to just how rotten the sport was at its core.

Oh yes. Too bad that someone like Willy Voet hadn't written a book about the Festina Affair 14 years ago. Then we would've already known how rotten it was.

The sport introduced an equally groundbreaking no-needle policy, and created the Movement Pour Cyclisme Credible, two voluntary efforts that speak volumes about the change of tone.

No is arguing that the "tone" hasn't changed. But it's still the same old tune. MPCC

By 2012, “clean teams” had not only become the norm, they were good for business. Teams were begging riders not to dope, for fear that sponsors would pack up and jump ship.

Hahahaha! Begging? Why would they have to beg? I thought the change had come from within...back in 2006?

Bradley Wiggins won the yellow jersey with a credible, believable, almost transcendent Tour victory.

I believe the word he's looking for is "boring." And there was no "almost" about it.

Riders today are emaciated to the bone, dancing out on the razor’s edge in search of magical power-to-weight numbers. Today’s GC contenders are weighing 137 pounds at 6-foot-2, compared to 172-pound giants during the EPO era. Chris Froome is all sinew and elbows compared to the muscle-bound, EPO-fueled riders of the previous generation.

Is any of that supposed to be encouraging? WTF?

Any hint of a scandal provokes a knee-jerk, sky-is-falling response,

Freudian?

Did Vincenzo Nibali win the Tour clean? All evidence points to that he did.

Uh huh. All of it? I, too, eagerly await this vast mountain of evidence.

 

[Archibald]

Wiggins transcendent? I don't have much of an opinion of him one way or another, but transcendent?

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

but, but, he won't have to look his kids in the eye in years to come...

 

[oldcrank]

http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/11/news/cancellara-unhappy-with-new-hour-regulations_353863
This was posted previously in another thread but perhaps
fits in this one better, my friends.

quote: ''the sport gets cleaner and we still ride faster''
explains Spartacus ''because of equipment, scientist
stuff, training''

 

[Dear Wiggo]

http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/11/news/cancellara-unhappy-with-new-hour-regulations_353863
This was posted previously in another thread but perhaps
fits in this one better, my friends.

quote: ''the sport gets cleaner and we still ride faster''
explains Spartacus ''because of equipment, scientist
stuff, training''

I have a bridge you might be interested in purchasing, my friend. I can do a good deal for you?

 

[42x16ss]

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

I know, and people still can't spell Wigans correctly

 

[Benotti69]

http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/11/news/cancellara-unhappy-with-new-hour-regulations_353863
This was posted previously in another thread but perhaps
fits in this one better, my friends.

quote: ''the sport gets cleaner and we still ride faster''
explains Spartacus ''because of equipment, scientist
stuff, training''

equipment and training = miniscule advancements.

Scientist 'stuff' = big advancements and not clean.

 

[Red Rick]

I don't know about you, but everything cycling-related on uncyclopedia is really damn funny

 

[doperhopper]

Wiggins transcendent? I don't have much of an opinion of him one way or another, but transcendent?

It wasn't that long ago we finally agreed on how to spell his name.

and let's not forget about his even more transcendent superdom who was far stronger

 

[Fearless Greg Lemond]

Pffff I used to think Hood was quite good

Uhh, then you really must love Mart S.



Hood is like those other Boulder Colorado fans with a typewriter: not to be trusted.

A total DB.