I know the economy is doing poorly in the U.S. and much of the rest of the world, so as a public service I thought I’d pass along these job positions that have opened up very recently. Maybe someone here can take advantage of one of these unusual opportunities. And if any of you know of other positions opening, perhaps you can post them here.
Job Title: Web site manager
Job Description: Responsible for researching and writing highly selective biographies of pro cyclists, up-dating them as new information becomes available; building a database of every court case or other legal problem encountered by every member of the US Postal cycling team from its inception until its dissolution, including but not limited to doping sanctions, court testimony, traffic tickets, recreational drug use, and relationships with fat, bitter wives
Skills Required: Minimum third grade English writing and comprehension proficiency; ability to seductively blend fact and fantasy; rigorous defense of a single, unwavering point of view in the face of growing and unrelenting evidence to the contrary
Contact: Mark at facts4lance.com
Job Title: Laboratory Chief
Job Description: Coordinate analysis of urine and blood samples from professional athletes for performance-enhancing substances; develop doping criteria based on a complex formula involving size and frequency of monetary donations to the laboratory; meet periodically with selected cyclists for general bargaining purposes
Skills Required: ability to sell a doping test negative at a premium price; ability to keep a secret; familiarity with the operation of paper shredders; long-term memory (optional)
Contact: Martial in Lausanne
Job Title: Cycling Union President
Job Description: Promote the cleanliness, purity, holiness and sanctity of professional bicycle racing; ensure that doping in the professional ranks is maintained at a constant publicly acknowledged level of less than 1%, and at a private level of 75-80%; cultivate mutually beneficial relationships with selected cyclists
Skills: ability to smooth over and ultimately erase conflicts of interest; facility for denying the obvious; detailed knowledge of everything certain cyclists have or have not put into their bodies during their entire lifetime; a rudimentary knowledge of the history of UCI’s collaboration with WADA (optional)
Contact: Hein in Geneva
Job Title: Charity Staff Member
Job Description: Vigorously promote public awareness of a retired professional cyclist; publicize and disseminate simple tools and information that will inform individuals of the many options for contributing to the welfare of this cyclist; develop public strategies for raising the level of favorable opinion towards this cyclist; support limited research aimed at eradicating cancerous negative opinions of this cyclist
Skills required: familiarity with twitter and internet forums; ability to communicate highly charitable views of retired cyclist; knowledge of how to modify and delete blogs, articles, and news releases at a moment’s notice
Contact: Juan P at nevertestedpositive.com
Job Title: Web site manager
Job Description: Responsible for researching and writing highly selective biographies of pro cyclists, up-dating them as new information becomes available; building a database of every court case or other legal problem encountered by every member of the US Postal cycling team from its inception until its dissolution, including but not limited to doping sanctions, court testimony, traffic tickets, recreational drug use, and relationships with fat, bitter wives
Skills Required: Minimum third grade English writing and comprehension proficiency; ability to seductively blend fact and fantasy; rigorous defense of a single, unwavering point of view in the face of growing and unrelenting evidence to the contrary
Contact: Mark at facts4lance.com
Job Title: Laboratory Chief
Job Description: Coordinate analysis of urine and blood samples from professional athletes for performance-enhancing substances; develop doping criteria based on a complex formula involving size and frequency of monetary donations to the laboratory; meet periodically with selected cyclists for general bargaining purposes
Skills Required: ability to sell a doping test negative at a premium price; ability to keep a secret; familiarity with the operation of paper shredders; long-term memory (optional)
Contact: Martial in Lausanne
Job Title: Cycling Union President
Job Description: Promote the cleanliness, purity, holiness and sanctity of professional bicycle racing; ensure that doping in the professional ranks is maintained at a constant publicly acknowledged level of less than 1%, and at a private level of 75-80%; cultivate mutually beneficial relationships with selected cyclists
Skills: ability to smooth over and ultimately erase conflicts of interest; facility for denying the obvious; detailed knowledge of everything certain cyclists have or have not put into their bodies during their entire lifetime; a rudimentary knowledge of the history of UCI’s collaboration with WADA (optional)
Contact: Hein in Geneva
Job Title: Charity Staff Member
Job Description: Vigorously promote public awareness of a retired professional cyclist; publicize and disseminate simple tools and information that will inform individuals of the many options for contributing to the welfare of this cyclist; develop public strategies for raising the level of favorable opinion towards this cyclist; support limited research aimed at eradicating cancerous negative opinions of this cyclist
Skills required: familiarity with twitter and internet forums; ability to communicate highly charitable views of retired cyclist; knowledge of how to modify and delete blogs, articles, and news releases at a moment’s notice
Contact: Juan P at nevertestedpositive.com