Post your draft of Lance Armstrong's public admission letter

[Fortyninefourteen]

Since this may eventually become a reality, we should assist in the crafting of the most appropriate text for this statement. Should be complete, contrite, and maybe even humorous.

 

[D-Queued]

He already wrote it.

...I'm sorry you don't believe in miracles...

Now we can add sugar plum fairies.

Dave.

 

[Race Radio]

If I were him I would totally throw Johan under the bus

 

[alberto.legstrong]

'I have to admit to doping or lose everything but I swear on my mother's head (or any reasonable facsimile of mom) that I didn't. After all the good I have done (for myself) and for cancer awareness (but really just myself)... It's just a shame some people hate excellence and love destroying it. Everyone is lying. Except me. and by the way I am Jesus.'

 

[Anonymous]

Where's Wonderlance when we need him?

 

[DirtyWorks]

I second Race Radio, blame it entirely on some external forces. If he can burn Johan and not implicate the UCI, I think he'll try to discredit Contador too. it's a viable strategy.

The statement will be more lies and personal attack. . Even though I doped a little in 2010 with Contador by my side while Johan supervised, the USADA is still wrong about the rest, Johan loves cancer. The statement ends with "please forgive me so I can continue to fight cancer appearing at triathlons" And the faithful launch into a weird ejaculatory glee and the rest of us just shake our heads.

I don't know if it would be a letter though. Maybe a TV guest appearance.

 

[trompe le monde]

From the desk of Armstrong:

Dear fans, cyclists, patriots, and others:

It is with great dismay that I have wrestled with what the USADA has wrought upon me. With great conviction and spirit, my therapist and I have struggled with the issue of 'who am I' and 'who I was'. With much soul searching and a series of breakthroughs, we both discovered that I was essentially in a Dissociative Fugue state during most of my time I 'was' a cyclist. So you see friends, what I mean to say is that who I was was not who I really am.

The hallowed reserve of truth that is Wikipedia states that a "Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity." The wandering I exhibited was mostly contained to France, the new identity was that of a world class cyclist. But you see, the problem was that I was not as good as I thought I could be, so in order to put some foundation to this identity I skirted rules, purchased souls, and injested a small pharmacy worth of drugs, all this so that I could be a lycra wearing alpha male.

Sadly, this '7 Time Tour Winner' is not who I really am or in fact was. What caused this fugue state to grip and corrode my soul? Was it the cancer? Was it the sight of Didi Senft in a red unitard? I don't know if I'll ever know.

Currently, my goals and aspirations are much more modest. My therapist and I have both concluded that a life outside of the spotlight is much more agreeable to who I really am. Therefore, I plan on retiring to an Idaho potato farm to raise championship potatos, with the hopes that some day one of my prize potatoes will somehow land me on a taping of Hee Haw. That would be.....nice.

Regards,

LA

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

I second Race Radio, blame it entirely on some external forces. If he can burn Johan and not implicate the UCI, I think he'll try to discredit Contador too. it's a viable strategy.

The statement will be more lies and personal attack. . Even though I doped a little in 2010 with Contador by my side while Johan supervised, the USADA is still wrong about the rest, Johan loves cancer. The statement ends with "please forgive me so I can continue to fight cancer appearing at triathlons" And the faithful launch into a weird ejaculatory glee and the rest of us just shake our heads.

I don't know if it would be a letter though. Maybe a TV guest appearance.

Could be right about the TV appearance. That could command a hefty price. He's burned Larry King and almost everyone else, so maybe Ellen?

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

I second Race Radio, blame it entirely on some external forces. If he can burn Johan and not implicate the UCI, I think he'll try to discredit Contador too. it's a viable strategy.

The statement will be more lies and personal attack. . Even though I doped a little in 2010 with Contador by my side while Johan supervised, the USADA is still wrong about the rest, Johan loves cancer. The statement ends with "please forgive me so I can continue to fight cancer appearing at triathlons" And the faithful launch into a weird ejaculatory glee and the rest of us just shake our heads.

I don't know if it would be a letter though. Maybe a TV guest appearance.

BTW, I am sure there is an interesting dance between him and JB right now. If Johan follows through on arbitration, all the testimony comes out wether Lance fights or not. Barry Bonds' trainer is still in the slammer, I think. But he is not there for free.....

 

[D-Queued]

If I were him I would totally throw Johan under the bus

But, you aren't him. (fortunately for all of us)

Thick as thieves they will be.

Dave.

 

[Race Radio]

But, you aren't him. (fortunately for all of us)

Thick as thieves they will be.

Dave.

Agreed. They are going down together.

 

[DirtyWorks]

BTW, I am sure there is an interesting dance between him and JB right now. If Johan follows through on arbitration, all the testimony comes out wether Lance fights or not. Barry Bonds' trainer is still in the slammer, I think. But he is not there for free.....

Johan can lie without consequence though because he's not an American citizen. He can make stuff up like blaming an ephemeral twin and get away with it. He probably won't be able to visit the U.S. any more, but I think his career is more or less over with him phoning it in from far-off places anyway.

I didn't imagine The Hog flipping this back on Wonderboy for a fee. It would be fun to see him do the same to Pat and Hein too, but the IOC would shut that down. It begins messing with the Olympic brand when you drag Hein and Pat into it...

 

[180mmCrank]

He will NEVER admit it. So what ever it says it will basically be some kind of denial and 'they are all out to get me' press release.

"We are saddend to hear ... we are considering our options ... LA most tested athlete ... never tested positive ... do not understand..."

T

 

[Benotti69]

I fully see this going all the way and him getting banned and absolutely refusing to accept the decision saying they'll never get my mellow johnnies back ever, over my dead body or some such texan saying.

He deny it deny it conspiracy theories etc etc.

 

[D-Queued]

I fully see this going all the way and him getting banned and absolutely refusing to accept the decision saying they'll never get my mellow johnnies back ever, over my dead body or some such texan saying.

He deny it deny it conspiracy theories etc etc.

I say he asks for his hearing to be held in Salem, MA.

Dave.

 

[Anonymous]

He will NEVER admit it. So what ever it says it will basically be some kind of denial and 'they are all out to get me' press release.

"We are saddend to hear ... we are considering our options ... LA most tested athlete ... never tested positive ... do not understand..."

T

LA: "I have called this press conference to say the following;

Been hidin' out
And layin' low
It's nothin' new ta me
Well you can always find
a place to go
If you can keep your sanity
They break down the doors
And they rape my rights but
They won't touch me
They scream and yell
And fight all night
You can't tell me
I lose my head
I close my eyes
They won't touch me
'Cause I got somethin'
I been buildin' up inside
For so ****in' long



They're out ta get me
They won't catch me
I'm innocent
They won't break me

Sometimes it's easy to forget where you're goin'
Sometimes it's harder to leave
And everytime you think you know just what you're doin'
That's when your troubles exceed
They push me in a corner
Just to get me to fight but
They won't touch me
They preach and yell
And fight all night
You can't tell me
I lose my head
I close my eyes
They won't touch me
'Cause I got somethin'
I been buildin' up inside
I'm already gone


Some people got a chip on their shoulder
An some would say it was me
But I didn't buy that fifth of whisky
That you gave me
So I'd be quick to disagree


They're out to get me
They won't catch me
I'm innocent
So you can
Suck me
Take that one to heart



That will conclude this press conference... and I will not be taking questions."

 

[trailrunner]

He will only a little bit of remorse, but it will be surrounded by caveats and diversions. That he started young before he knew better and had to do it to support his single-parent mother. Then he will say that back in the 90s everyone was doing it, so he really had no choice and was no worse than anyone else. He'll equate the seriousness of it to having an overdue library book ("a minor offense") or speeding on the freeway ("tell me one person that doesn't speed") and that the race officials and drug testers are bunch of meanies. And they are incompetent because he was tested 5,000 times without ever getting caught. No, wait -- he was tested 50,000 times and not once was he caught, so he thought it was OK. Then he'll say that his only regret is that this witch hunt has hurt his reputation, which will ultimately hurt all those poor cancer victims that he is working so hard to help. He'll also mention the doping officials have singled him out just because they are jealous of his success, and by going after events that happened a decade ago, they are wasting taxpayer's money when he could be saving the world from cancer if they would just let him be and go after the real criminals, like murderers, child molesters, and greedy banks.

 

[Deagol]

He will NEVER admit it. So what ever it says it will basically be some kind of denial and 'they are all out to get me' press release.

"We are saddend to hear ... we are considering our options ... LA most tested athlete ... never tested positive ... do not understand..."

T

I agree with this.

But other posts farther down read like you all are doing Fabiani's (sp?) job for him ..

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

Johan can lie without consequence though because he's not an American citizen. He can make stuff up like blaming an ephemeral twin and get away with it. He probably won't be able to visit the U.S. any more, but I think his career is more or less over with him phoning it in from far-off places anyway.

I didn't imagine The Hog flipping this back on Wonderboy for a fee. It would be fun to see him do the same to Pat and Hein too, but the IOC would shut that down. It begins messing with the Olympic brand when you drag Hein and Pat into it...

Agree that Bruyneel's career is basically done....all the more reason for him to leverage his testimony. Could you imagine if he actually came clean and corroborated the USPS riders testimony....now that would make for an interesting turn of events.....now that I think about, he actually may have Lance over the barrel with this thing!

 

[Benotti69]

I say he asks for his hearing to be held in Salem, MA.

Dave.

I was thinking Waco, TX.

 

[Cloxxki]

Agree that Bruyneel's career is basically done....all the more reason for him to leverage his testimony. Could you imagine if he actually came clean and corroborated the USPS riders testimony....now that would make for an interesting turn of events.....now that I think about, he actually may have Lance over the barrel with this thing!

Not so sure, else why would Johan be in the magnificent 5? Had he been left out, it would have been for Lance to throw him under the bus, not realizing Johan was actually driving it.
Postal may have been a US team, but what jurisdiction do USADA have over Johan, really? Would they be in the position to invite him along with the riders to offer testimony? Seems Pepe was not reached at all, so likely he was not invited to tell on Johan or Lance either.

 

[TubularBills]

Agree that Bruyneel's career is basically done....all the more reason for him to leverage his testimony. Could you imagine if he actually came clean and corroborated the USPS riders testimony....now that would make for an interesting turn of events.....now that I think about, he actually may have Lance over the barrel with this thing!

Good point, a tell all confessional memoir released during or immediately after the arbitration would probably provide a pretty decent retirement.

All he needs is a ghost writer and a catchy title:

"It Was Never about the Bike"

Fame and Shamestrong

With a cover portrait to match:

But maybe Tyler and Floyd already have this retirement solution packaged and ready to pop?

 

[D-Queued]

I was thinking Waco, TX.

I was going for the witch hunt affirmation.

Sorry, but there are multiple possibilities on Waco. Were you thinking Branch Davidian style self-immolation/scorched earth?

Dave.

 

[BroDeal]

One thing of note in the Men's Journal piece is that the author basically writes that Armstrong confessed with an impassioned, off the record excuse. Armstrong has probably been practicing his mea culpa for a while.

I think he will pull out the cancer card and use that as an explanation for why he had to keep lying.

 

[JMBeaushrimp]

"I'm rich, beeotch!"