BREAKING NEWS FROM TEAM GB CYCLING 28 June 2012
A PRESS RELEASE FROM A DAVID BRAILSFORD
"Last week, wearing my Team Sky principal's hat, I announced the squad we are entering for the 99th Tour de France. The team is, of course, built around Bradley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish.
However, today I am wearing my Team GB principal's hat and I have decided that, because the Tour de France and the London 2012 Olympic cycling events are so close together, it would be in the best interests of Team GB to withdraw them from the Tour de France and give them time to prepare for the London event. Not only will they be able to prepare at a leisurely pace it ensures that they will not suffer the almost certain injuries inflicted by the Tour de France.
Team Sky WILL be represented in the Tour with an all-star team drawn from the world of Sky, the media, politics, stand-up and entertainment.
The squad is as follow:-
Team Leader - Stephen Fry
Team Nurse - Graeme Garden
Astrologer - Russell Grant
Pie Hunter - Johnny Vegas
Morale Booster - Phil Jupitus
Bully & Pie Hunter - Eamonn Holmes
Security - Captain James Blunt
Communications - Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP
Lanterne Rouge - Boris Johnson
This squad may surprise some fans of the sport but I feel that they will all contribute to a winning team.
Under Rule 374b.12.4 the Union Cycliste Internationale have permitted the use of a tandem by Stephen Fry and Jeremy Hunt. Fry will, of course, be taking the "back seat" and will be afforded the irresistible view of Hunt's rear encased in Lycra. Fry needs to be able to consult maps and the Michelin Guide. He will also be "tweeting" throughout the three week Tour.
Garden studied medicine at Cambridge so is ideally suited to the task of "on the road" nurse. He will be taking advice from Dr Michele Ferrari in the team car - he assisted Lance Armstrong during the peak of his career so we hope he will be bringing a bit of his magic to Team Sky.
Grant will be determining, thru the use of tarot cards and tea leaves, which days will require additional effort by the squad.
As domestiques, Vegas and Holmes will be responsible for fetching pies and ale from the team car - fois gras and Earl Grey for Fry. If a Michelin-starred restaurant is in the vicinity the team will take a detour to partake of some fine French food and wine.
Jupitus will be the funny fat man on the squad. It will be his task to boost morale when legs are getting heavy and they have exhausted the supply of pies.
As a former member of Her Majesty's armed forces Blunt will be responsible for the security of the team when passing thru enemy territory ie. anywhere that farmers or fishermen are protesting.
Hunt will be tasked with maintaining "entente cordiale" with race referees, officials and other teams and, most importantly, interpreting Fry's navigational instructions - if there is a short cut Fry will find it
And finally Johnson will attempt to confuse all the foreigners around him by wildly gesticulating and speaking in foreign tongues (Latin and Greek).
The team manager, and driver of the lead team car, will be Jeremy Clarkson who will join Jupitus in boosting team morale by screaming obscenities at cyclists who he will have to follow for 3000km.
I believe that this squad will give the sponsors more than a fair return on their investment. They should get a lot of "face" time on the both the live broadcast and the highlight package."
David Brailsford
(C) Copyright CJH. Feel free to copy & reprint as much as you like.
A PRESS RELEASE FROM A DAVID BRAILSFORD
"Last week, wearing my Team Sky principal's hat, I announced the squad we are entering for the 99th Tour de France. The team is, of course, built around Bradley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish.
However, today I am wearing my Team GB principal's hat and I have decided that, because the Tour de France and the London 2012 Olympic cycling events are so close together, it would be in the best interests of Team GB to withdraw them from the Tour de France and give them time to prepare for the London event. Not only will they be able to prepare at a leisurely pace it ensures that they will not suffer the almost certain injuries inflicted by the Tour de France.
Team Sky WILL be represented in the Tour with an all-star team drawn from the world of Sky, the media, politics, stand-up and entertainment.
The squad is as follow:-
Team Leader - Stephen Fry
Team Nurse - Graeme Garden
Astrologer - Russell Grant
Pie Hunter - Johnny Vegas
Morale Booster - Phil Jupitus
Bully & Pie Hunter - Eamonn Holmes
Security - Captain James Blunt
Communications - Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP
Lanterne Rouge - Boris Johnson
This squad may surprise some fans of the sport but I feel that they will all contribute to a winning team.
Under Rule 374b.12.4 the Union Cycliste Internationale have permitted the use of a tandem by Stephen Fry and Jeremy Hunt. Fry will, of course, be taking the "back seat" and will be afforded the irresistible view of Hunt's rear encased in Lycra. Fry needs to be able to consult maps and the Michelin Guide. He will also be "tweeting" throughout the three week Tour.
Garden studied medicine at Cambridge so is ideally suited to the task of "on the road" nurse. He will be taking advice from Dr Michele Ferrari in the team car - he assisted Lance Armstrong during the peak of his career so we hope he will be bringing a bit of his magic to Team Sky.
Grant will be determining, thru the use of tarot cards and tea leaves, which days will require additional effort by the squad.
As domestiques, Vegas and Holmes will be responsible for fetching pies and ale from the team car - fois gras and Earl Grey for Fry. If a Michelin-starred restaurant is in the vicinity the team will take a detour to partake of some fine French food and wine.
Jupitus will be the funny fat man on the squad. It will be his task to boost morale when legs are getting heavy and they have exhausted the supply of pies.
As a former member of Her Majesty's armed forces Blunt will be responsible for the security of the team when passing thru enemy territory ie. anywhere that farmers or fishermen are protesting.
Hunt will be tasked with maintaining "entente cordiale" with race referees, officials and other teams and, most importantly, interpreting Fry's navigational instructions - if there is a short cut Fry will find it
And finally Johnson will attempt to confuse all the foreigners around him by wildly gesticulating and speaking in foreign tongues (Latin and Greek).
The team manager, and driver of the lead team car, will be Jeremy Clarkson who will join Jupitus in boosting team morale by screaming obscenities at cyclists who he will have to follow for 3000km.
I believe that this squad will give the sponsors more than a fair return on their investment. They should get a lot of "face" time on the both the live broadcast and the highlight package."
David Brailsford
(C) Copyright CJH. Feel free to copy & reprint as much as you like.
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