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The Mighty Jens Voigt Thread

Mar 17, 2009
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OK, I'm a massive fan of the big guy so this thread is for everyone who thinks Jens is the best thing that happened to cycling since man invented the wheel. And for starters, a few examples of just how tough he is (found these on the intertube somewhere - can't claim that I wrote them) so feel free to add your own...

Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.

Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.

Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”

Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960’s, where he became a great champion.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ***.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

When you open a can of whoop-***, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.

You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.

Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.

Jens Voigt can eat just one.

The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.

Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.

Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.

Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.
 
I love Jens, too. I remember reading an article about him in ProCycling or Cyclesport awhile back and he said something about being the Gameboy champion of the world.

And the special feature thing of his on the CSC movie is the best part!

"I'm in the front row, I'm in the front row!... I'm going to get GOING!!!"
 
Mar 7, 2009
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Yep - Jens rocks and is a heckuva nice guy too. I had the chance to meet him a couple of times when I was volunteering at the Amgen ToC. We were escorting the riders down the stairs at the prologue in SF and carrying their bikes for them, as Stuart O'Grady had taken a bad spill walking down the stairs with his cleats on. The biggest chuckle I got was when, at the top of the stairs leading down from Coit Tower, he told me to "stop for a second please", put his hand on my shoulder and reached into his back pocket to pull out a set of cleat covers, and put them on his shoes while he balanced using me for stability. I said "Aha! Someone thought ahead!" and Jens grinned and said "I'm not just a pretty face, you know!" That list and response above has me wondering why Jens never HAS won a classic... The guy is a monster on the bike, but a classy monster!
 
Mar 17, 2009
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Lucky you! Actually getting to meet Jensie in person!! Perhaps he hasn't won a classic because he is always sacrificing himself for his teammates? Did you see him Paris-Nice on the weekend - classic Jens!!
 
Mar 8, 2009
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schadenfreude said:
if your man Jens is so good, why hasn't he ever won a classic?


Did it ever occur to you that it might be because he's working his @rse off for his 'super star' team mates?....Jens is a 'water carrier', but the best in the business with a huge amount of flair & a personality to go with it...when the 'sh!te hits the fan', I'd want Jens on my team!
 
Mar 12, 2009
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Chatted to Jens at start lines a few times, absolutely the nicest rider going around, he is always late to each start line because of him signing autographs, getting pictures taken and just generally being open to all spectators, then he goes and rides like a demon!
 
Mar 17, 2009
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mr. tibbs said:
I love Jens, too. I remember reading an article about him in ProCycling or Cyclesport awhile back and he said something about being the Gameboy champion of the world.

And the special feature thing of his on the CSC movie is the best part!

"I'm in the front row, I'm in the front row!... I'm going to get GOING!!!"

I was in stitches watching that, and Riis's reply (with a resigned smile on his face) "Of course you are Jens!" was classic.
 
asockpuppet said:
Did it ever occur to you that it might be because he's working his @rse off for his 'super star' team mates?....Jens is a 'water carrier', but the best in the business with a huge amount of flair & a personality to go with it...when the 'sh!te hits the fan', I'd want Jens on my team!

point. missed.
 
Mar 10, 2009
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Hinter said:
I was in stitches watching that, and Riis's reply (with a resigned smile on his face) "Of course you are Jens!" was classic.

I forget who he was talking to at the breaksfast scene, but he said something along the lines "Don't worry. Today I ride for three (riders)"

Also, when they were showing Stage 15 and what he demostrated as a team mate to bring Basso back to Ullrich was unreal, resulting with the German press calling him Judus, traitor, a-hole, etc.

The chapter was great finishing off with Jens! relaxing, talking about his family, and saying "Life is good."

Stay classy Jens!
 
Mar 17, 2009
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This is from David Millar's blog, talking about stage one of the 2008 TdF - shows how the other riders think of him:

"I found myself next to Robbie McEwen for a minute in the bunch. We exchanged pleasantries and that obviously led to the weather, which was incredibly windy and storm like.
RM: ‘I bet there isn’t one guy racing today who woke up and looked out the window and thought, “YES, YOU BEAUTY!”’
ME: ‘Yep, this is ****…’

We both pause.

RM: laughing ‘Well actually, Jens probably did.’
Then we both start laughing and say at exactly the same time,
RM + ME: ‘YEAH, HE DOES THAT EVERY DAY!’
RM: laughing ‘Animal.’
ME: laughing ‘Freak.’
That had us chuckling for a few more minutes and says so much about the man, the machine, that is Jens Voigt."
 
Jens Voigt never gets a flat tire because the air is to afraid to get out.
Jens Voigt doesn't need team mates, they are just there so that he has something to keep him busy during long races.
The PR caravan has to start 1 hour ahead of the peloton otherwise Jens Voigt would catch it on his first attack.
Jens Voigt would never use doping, it would just make him weaker.
The reason Paris-Roubaix has pavé segments is because the real road is hiding from Jens Voigt.
Jens Voigt won the last 10 Tour de France but everyone is to afraid to talk about it.
 
Mar 12, 2009
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schadenfreude said:
incorrect.

your point sucked

jens is the ultimate strong man, a tempo rider....he is not a climber, or a TT specialist or possessed of a good turn of speed....he grinds a fast tempo, providing an excellent wheel to sit. that is his job and he does it very well, with a lot of courage and good humour.

to infer that he is nothing special because he hasnt won a classic betrays your lack of nous.

the man is a legend :D
 
The Falcon said:
your point sucked

incorrect.

The Falcon said:
jens is the ultimate strong man, a tempo rider....he is not a climber, or a TT specialist or possessed of a good turn of speed....he grinds a fast tempo, providing an excellent wheel to sit. that is his job and he does it very well, with a lot of courage and good humour.

then why hasn't he won a classic?

The Falcon said:
to infer that he is nothing special because he hasnt won a classic betrays your lack of nous.

your reply betrays your complete lack of reading comprehension.

The Falcon said:
the man is a legend :D

time will tell.
 
asockpuppet said:
It already has...Jens is a super domestique

a little education on the definition of the word legend will do you no harm.

asockpuppet said:
you're a loser with an internet connection

KIOSAWCICFJQSWS4S3A23W5YLAOCDZDV.jpg
 
Mar 12, 2009
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^ will do. though why is it the most aggressive and clueless posters on this forum seem to be the yanks? is it because cycling is an real fringe sport there and interests mostly societies cast offs and drug fiends? :D
 

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