Epic Rap Battles of Cycling

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Okay, we probably need to have the obvious one too between the crossers. And I did once get a top grade in high school for writing a sonnet about the Premier League, so I should be able to pull it off.

MVP
I'm a man of three bikes, possibly four
A bit of evening training; a TT I'll score
Crossin' is my favourite, it's almost too easy
Just an hour's work; the Belgians cry weekly
Sand, mud or runnin', Wout can only try
At least outside the World's, he hangs to dry
But four rainbow jerseys, he only got three
I'll eat my French fries while he can drink some tea

Second's in my genes - my grandpa is Poupou
But I'm breakin' that curse, just ask Loulou
He still got a scar after being stomped in Siena
And on my second try, almost a beginner
The cobbles of Roubaix are my newest playground
Wout, Sonny, Lampaert, they only rode around
Not flexin' muscles, thinkin' like a sprinter
That sh*t's beneath me, you gotta have some grinta
In De Ronde of October, I made a quiet country quieter
Loulou crashed around, and Wout met his proprietor
With Tim, Dries and Jasper, along with Gianni V
The others team can suck it, cause the most well-kept hair have we

Olympics are the bomb and for those I switch my bike
Over roots, planks and boulders I take a summer hike
Me and Lil' Tom set the sport ablaze
While I can get support by my mate Sam Gaze
Nino prolly hates us; we make his sport look lame
But he can cry a river; to me it's all a game
If there's a number on my back and we by the flag have been set free
You know I'll give you hell; after all, I'm MVP

Wout
Yo, yo, you can brag about the dirt rides all you will
But they ain't givin' spectators no thrill
You know there's one true venue above all others
It's on the road! Mountainbike you say? Who bothers?
My name's Wout, not Poels but Van Aert
I'm Belgium's new classics king, succesor to Van Avermaet
In Leuven I was facing Julian, Mathieu and Co
But who can blame me for losin' with the antics of Remco
We never said he could do whatever to him would please
For next year we gotta buy a leash

Sprintin', time trialin', climbin', cobblin', you name it
As long as I've tyres, it wouldn't trouble me the least bit
In the Tour de France I made an awesome hattrick
Which excited everybody, even Remco's boss, Patrick
Eddy! Eddy! They all say that he's the new Eddy!
If that one's taken, instead I'll just be the new Freddy
20 Grand Tour stages in a month's time
Should be possible, if I was from a dif'rent time
Now it's tough, I'd have to win them all in one
Miss two stages, and the chance is gone
I also have to help my buddy Primoz, but
I can still try to colour my jersey both green and polkadot

And in the spring I'll have to bash Mathieu
But also QuickStep, Ineos and FDJeux
I need to win De Ronde and Roubaix
Maybe then they'll build me a palais
Big enough to stash my silverware
Perhaps also my lock of golden hair
I'll make all the Dutch and Danes and Frenchmen pout
And cry at the sound of the name of Wout!

Wout out!
Qualified for the champions league with that one dawg (not dawq)!

And to attempt to add to Wout's conclusion:

Forget all the beefing, in the end I'll reign supreme
And be remembered for more than just that stupid bloody meme!
 
Reactions: tobydawq
These boys talkin' beef, this ain't even a meal
Compared to what I went through, this is mere veal
I dealt with a Lance, that was a real canc...
er to my chance, until I decided to dance

Yeah he made me an offer, but I flatly refused
Questions about leadership on Verbier I defused
I had to wake up the next day and continue my act
Today's players only having their veal after the fact

I ain't seen any real dawgs around like me here lately
I'm so scary that Andy couldn't even keep his chain on safety
Let me tell you some stories, please kids go to bed
My name rhymes with matador, I've seen and worn red
 
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Pogi

Baby-faced killer started his reign
his rivals face a decade of pain

he crushes his rivals when in the zone
Planches de Beilles Filles, Le Grand Bornand

Roglic is still shaking in his boots
wanting to get back to jumping roots

Remco escapes from the Tour like a mouse
as long as Pogi is in the house

Carapaz took up the gountlet once
it ended up with a rainy trounce

when Bernal chooses where to race
he tries to avoid Pogi's face

he's powered by Urshka's healthy meals
not by Gianetti's nuclear pills!
 
This is my last one for now, but Joao's waiting for an answer!

Prepare yourself for... Almeida!
Best ever, new starter, scene breaker, I'm riding
through the valleys, up the mountains, on my bike, I'm a spike,
I am portuguese - who knew!
I was always gonna come and break through,
you know we - Portuguese are best,
on the road, in the bed, take no rest
in the house, in the club, in the race, bota lume, get dressed,
you are blessed, this is me, I'm on fire,
keep the old men in the church, no more squire,
I'm a chief, I'm no perch, suck my tire,
I go first, I inspire, I ride higher,
Havin top10s for breakfast, my wins are for dinner, with candles, with orgasms,
I'm a winner, with glasses, got the passion, for the masses, no sarcasm,
wolf or not, I'm my own, I'm my own special winner,
Joao this is me, I'm the hottest there ever,
prospect, rider, future legend, hope of country, men and women,
yeah I taste sweet for my fans, for the suckers citrus lemon.
Yeah, I'm bitter for my rivals who are fightin for survival,
I am draggin, I am grindin, I am fightin, I ain't spinnin,
lose your wheel, that means nothin, comin back like on glossin, yeah, I'm here I am bossin,
I'm the coolest, I am hottest, fill a form, file a protest,
you got nothin on me, all drinks here for free, yeah I'm already celebratin,
Remco boy, no you ain't frightin, think you got the hottest sis'
but she's mine if I wish.
You're just here for the Belgians, to give hope, to show engine,
but I am a rebellion, I'm the real Joao Stallion, I'm not gonna sit and wait
I go to Teddy smooth and straight,
Tadej knows who I am, I am not quite your fan, I am the one and only me,
Joey Jo from the blue sea, nice and easy, smart and sexy, go to war, with esprit,
bringing hope to the people, who are let down by Cristiano
I'm soprano, I'm vulcano, no hermano, hurricano,
I am fresh, yes I'm freshest, I am good, I'm the badest,
I have come and I will stay, no I ain't no domestique, I'm no helper for nobody,
not Italian, not a Saudi,
not for Patrick, not for -poel, not for you, you're the mule,
I'm the boss from portugal, for you not affordable, domestiquing sounds horrible,
I'm not forced, I'm not broken, yes, I am the real jewel,
I got all that quality, call the folks in, I'm importunate,
give your oracle, don't you think that I'm fortunate?
While you're fightin with Wout I'm makin money,
you are just a little kid, can't do gravel, don't have grit.
 
Julian Alaphilippe - Rider's Delight (LBL remix)

Now I'm feeling the highs and you're feeling the lows
The beat starts getting into your toes
You start popping your fingers and stomping your feet
And moving your body while you're sitting in your seat
And then damn, you start doing the freak
I said damn, right outta your seat
Then you throw your hands high in the air
You're rocking to the rhythm, shake your derriere
And, boom
Roglic wins without a care.
 
This is my last one for now, but Joao's waiting for an answer!

Prepare yourself for... Almeida!
Best ever, new starter, scene breaker, I'm riding
through the valleys, up the mountains, on my bike, I'm a spike,
I am portuguese - who knew!
I was always gonna come and break through,
you know we - Portuguese are best,
on the road, in the bed, take no rest
in the house, in the club, in the race, bota lume, get dressed,
you are blessed, this is me, I'm on fire,
keep the old men in the church, no more squire,
I'm a chief, I'm no perch, suck my tire,
I go first, I inspire, I ride higher,
Havin top10s for breakfast, my wins are for dinner, with candles, with orgasms,
I'm a winner, with glasses, got the passion, for the masses, no sarcasm,
wolf or not, I'm my own, I'm my own special winner,
Joao this is me, I'm the hottest there ever,
prospect, rider, future legend, hope of country, men and women,
yeah I taste sweet for my fans, for the suckers citrus lemon.
Yeah, I'm bitter for my rivals who are fightin for survival,
I am draggin, I am grindin, I am fightin, I ain't spinnin,
lose your wheel, that means nothin, comin back like on glossin, yeah, I'm here I am bossin,
I'm the coolest, I am hottest, fill a form, file a protest,
you got nothin on me, all drinks here for free, yeah I'm already celebratin,
Remco boy, no you ain't frightin, think you got the hottest sis'
but she's mine if I wish.
You're just here for the Belgians, to give hope, to show engine,
but I am a rebellion, I'm the real Joao Stallion, I'm not gonna sit and wait
I go to Teddy smooth and straight,
Tadej knows who I am, I am not quite your fan, I am the one and only me,
Joey Jo from the blue sea, nice and easy, smart and sexy, go to war, with esprit,
bringing hope to the people, who are let down by Cristiano
I'm soprano, I'm vulcano, no hermano, hurricano,
I am fresh, yes I'm freshest, I am good, I'm the badest,
I have come and I will stay, no I ain't no domestique, I'm no helper for nobody,
not Italian, not a Saudi,
not for Patrick, not for -poel, not for you, you're the mule,
I'm the boss from portugal, for you not affordable, domestiquing sounds horrible,
I'm not forced, I'm not broken, yes, I am the real jewel,
I got all that quality, call the folks in, I'm importunate,
give your oracle, don't you think that I'm fortunate?
While you're fightin with Wout I'm makin money,
you are just a little kid, can't do gravel, don't have grit.
Suck my tire? Orgasms? Remco's sister? LOL
 
This is not an accurate account of what happened, but it had to somewhat fit with the original lyrics


Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute, just come as you are
I'll tell you how I made a joke out of a team called Movistar

In North Colombia, born and raised
On the bike is where I spend most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
Winning in style on my way to cycling rule
When one pesky fan, who was up to no good,
Started making trouble on my Giro route
I got in one little fight, and it frightened Yana
She said “You’re movin’ with Bala and Unzué at Movistar”

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she put my things in the bag and sent me on my way
She gave me a maple leaf and then she gave me my ticket
I waved goodbye to Vino and said "I might as well kick it"

Third class, yo, this is bad
Working my ass off for a guy called Mas
Is this what the riders of Movistar living like?
Hmm, they must be high as a kite
But wait now I hear they're into ménage à trois and all that
Is this the type of place that they should send this cool cat?
I don't think so; keep up with me if you can
I hope you're prepared for the real Superman

Well, uh, the Vuelta started and when we reached Picón
There was a dude, looked like a monk, thinking he was so strong
I ain't trying to lose yet, I just got here
So I sprinted with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
Tried to close him down when the line came near
Two weeks later they said he was 'Fresh', I was no. 2, it was clear
All I could think was now this was a war
And I told the DS “man forget it, I can’t take it no more”

I pulled over to the side, don’t care about seventh or eighth
And I yelled to Abarca "Yo', homes, smell ya later"
I left the Kingdom of Spain and I took the first jet
Now I’m going back to my husbands and Vino’s liquor cabinet!
 
MARCO PANTANI'S RAP:

Verse 1
You sissies from the flat,
You don't know where it's at,
What really counts is climbing,
The endless uphill grinding.

Refrain
Going up the Gavia,
Stumbling up the Stelvio,
Gaga au Galibier,
Ventoux à volonté.
(x2)

Verse 2
Fatigue turns into poetry while stamping on those pedals,
It's all about the victories, the jerseys and the medals,
When I drop that bandana the tifosi get ecstatic,
The name of il Pirata is forever emblematic!

Refrain
Going up the Gavia,
Stumbling up the Stelvio,
Gaga au Galibier,
Ventoux à volonté.
(Repeat and fade out)
 
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I'm an addict now, blame it all on DoYouEvenRideBruh. I had to make this for Ilmaestro99.

Fan-crazy, fan-tastic, fan-atic, fanta-licious,
Italy, Tour of Alps, Tour of Hainan, I'm ambitious.
This is nice, this is real, you are stunned, stun-suspicious.

This one's for the haters, for the bloggers, speak truth, speak love
admit, you'd never thought I'd pull this off!

It's Fausto, like fairy, like Mas, without nada
Marco legs, big brains, if you get me drink colada.
Hear me out, it's me, I'm blue, come and follow,
mountain goat, true helper, do you think that you can swallow
what you see, it's me, the new Taddy, on my side all in white the new Eddy
and we crossin fine the line, we together, us two,
hours later, all banged, the whole crew
pity-flips, French doubters, Vuelta winners,
they're all shot down, this was long overdue.

I'm nice, I'm pop, so true with the steppers
I am waiting for your contract
gimme money, I'll show you peppers.
 

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