Miburo said:
Can you do this for the last 10 tours libertine? Was a fun read
Fine, people, you asked for it (I probably won't do all 10), don't blame me if you get fed up of diminishing returns, since not all races are as buried in my memory as the 2009 Tour for the horror it wrought (and also that I was writing my dissertation at the time, mostly to give me a chance to unwind and relax after the arduous, repetitive and frustrating work of suffering through the 2009 Tour), plus with each being the same style the entertainment both for me and yourselves will probably decline too.
2010 Tour:
Prologue - in an unexpected shock, Cancellara wins. Sky prove their tactical nous by looking at the course, with cobblestones and technical corners, and ensuring their team leader starts in the rain.
1 - worthless flat stage. Cavendish causes his 291st crash of the season enabling Petacchi to win.
2 - possibly the most interesting week 1 stage design Prudhomme has put forward in years. So the péloton neutralises it. A bunch of people crash, Cancellara makes everyone wait for Schleck, and the bunch rides in together behind Chavanel.
3 - there are cobbles. A bunch of people crash, Cancellara doesn't make everyone wait and instead rides off into the distance. Chavanel punctures. Cancellara doesn't wait. Contador punctures and finishes the stage on a flat tyre. He is insulted for losing time in the last kilometre.
4 - the first of a trifecta of worthless flat stages, but worth watching the last 2km to see Danilo Hondo destroy the HTC train, a performance I swoon at to this day. Petacchi wins again. Cav has a tantrum.
5 - worthless flat stage. Cav wins.
6 - worthless flat stage. Cav wins.
7 - Chavanel decides he wants the maillot jaune back and takes another win in a solo escapade. Little happens behind.
8 - Before we get to the final climb, Lance enlists Euskaltel to help him perform a tribute to the demolition derby. Wiggins melts down completely. Schleck attacks to gain a few seconds and Cadel Evans gets the yellow jersey by virtue of not cracking like an egg. After a long spring season & running out of gas in the Giro, and with a painfully weak support team, the forum goes into meltdown with Australians adamant Cuddles will clearly win.
9 - With Valverde banned, Caisse d'Épargne stick several riders up the road to try to get into the GC. Several KOM candidates are instructed not to interfere with Jérôme Pineau's points-gathering so that a Frenchman keeps the jersey. Schleck and Contador go clear and catch the dithering break. Phil Liggett calls Samuel Sánchez, caught behind the leading duo, a terrible descender.
10 - Radioshack block the road ensuring that not a single Frenchman gets into the break on Bastille Day. The stage is disgracefully dull. Paulinho wins.
11 - Worthless flat stage. Mark Renshaw is kicked out the race for headbutting people, trying to throw them over barriers and just generally being a huge tool on the Graeme Brown level. Much whining ensues from Cav fans.
12 - Vino attacks. Contador attacks and chases him down, then loses the final sprint because he can't sprint. Little-known French climber Anthony Charteau gets the KOM.
13 - Worthless flat stage salvaged because VINO.
14 - Schleck and Contador hold a trackstand competition. Riblon wins from the break.
15 - Nothing of any real interest happens here. Contador takes the maillot jaune.
16 - Lance gets in the break to try to salvage something from the race. Barredo tries to do a flat solo from 45km out because the stage was designed back to front. Sean Kelly calls him an idiot. Garmin get scared that Ryder Hesjedal's 10th place is under threat and start chasing the break down. Horner kills himself trying to get Lance one final stage win. Pierrick Fédrigo outsprints him so easily he could have started from the péloton and still beaten the Texan.
17 - The two greatest climbers in the world fight tooth and nail on one of the sport's most hallowed passes. No wait, that was the Giro Donne. My mistake. The two greatest climbers in the world hold hands like a couple of adolescents on the Tourmalet and talk of each other's greatness in the press to allay talk of bad blood. It is embarrassing. Christophe Moreau is the only rider capable of challenging Charteau's polka dots, but Radioshack won't let him in the break because they need to protect their lead in the Teams Classification (really).
18 - Worthless flat stage.
19 - Cancellara wins the time trial to the shock of nobody. Contador doesn't club Schleck like a baby seal to the shock of everybody. Contador ensures his margin of victory is perfect for people to continue to whine about it for years, but forgets not to put clenbuterol in his blood, which settles that argument once and for all.
20 - Worthless flat stage. Petacchi shadows Cav home, meaning Prudhomme recognizes he needs to change the system to make it even more sprinter biased, because obviously Ale-Jet isn't a sprinter.