2008 Tour:
1 - Cancellara spends the stage whining because there isn't a prologue. Valverde destroys everybody on a short uphill finish, which had a sense of inevitability about it. Soler crashes, which sadly did too.
2 - Not quite worthless flat stage as it's slightly rolling. Hushovd wins. Phil & Paul giggle like schoolgirls.
3 - Worthless flat stage, but Caisse want rid of the jersey so let the break go. Romain Feillu gets into yellow. Menchov loses time in a completely pointless fashion, because of course he does.
4 - ITT. Schumacher obliterates everybody.
5 - Worthless flat stage. The Cav show begins.
6 - Uphill finish at Super-Besse. Riccò hits the afterburners to win comically easily. Schumi falls and loses the yellow jersey to Kim Kirchen.
7 - Intermediate stage which Luís León Sánchez wins from a late attack. Racing among the lead bunch is so conservative not even Menchov can find a way to get caught out.
8 - Worthless flat stage. On a weekend! Why of course - this is the Tour. Bob Stapleton earns a special place in hell for having Kim Kirchen - in the maillot jaune - in the leadout. He is bailed out somewhat when Cav does win. Triki Beltrán is pulled from the race for doping, after it is revealed that he literally tried to escape through a field.
9 - Of the riders who are concerned by the fact that CERA is now detectable, Riccardo Riccò is none of them. He rides away on the Col d'Aspin at the kind of speed normally reserved for Benny Hill clips to an easy win. His doping is so obvious that Efimkin attacks pointlessly for 2nd, so that he can be the official winner later. No other action behind.
10 - Jens Voigt and Fabian Cancellara drop Valverde on the Tourmalet. Really. Andy Schleck loses time due to not eating. Evans spends his one mandated attack per GT on a counterattack after Fränk Schleck & Kohl go away. Saunier Duval do their thing and Piepoli wins. Evans takes yellow.
11 - Moisés Dueñas is bounced from the race for doping. The break goes, CSC monitoring it with Arvesen. He wins.
12 - Worthless sprint stage. Riccò and Piepoli are bounced from the race for doping, to the surprise of nobody, least of all Efimkin. Saunier Duval withdraws to focus on other matters, such as finding new sponsors and riding the Volta a Portugal.
13 - Worthless sprint stage, without even a good doping scandal to enliven it.
14 - Worthless sprint stage, but they thin out the bunch a bit so Óscar Freire wins & safeguards the maillot vert.
15 - Simon Gerrans of all people wins an MTF from the break. Denis Menchov showcases his skills by launching a blistering attack, and then falling over on his own going uphill. Sastre and Kohl gain time and Evans gets isolated. Fränk Schleck takes the maillot jaune. To add insult to injury, somebody then steps on Evans' dog, which is something you MUST NEVER DO. The Italians take a sample of Valverde's blood to put the next two years of cycling soap opera into action. Cav quits the race.
16 - Stefan Schumacher launches a day long solo escapade over two HC mountains. He's caught by the break, and John-Lee Augustyn (aka the talented African climber on Barloworld) is first over Bonette, only to crash straight afterward and cede the stage win to Cyril Dessel. Sastre asks for permission to attack from Schleck, who denies it. Menchov is dropped on a descent. From a group with both Schleck brothers in it.
17 - Fresh from yesterday's ride, Stefan Schumacher goes in the day-long break again. Chris Froome gets into the break, and three years later this will be used to justify his transformation to the rider we know now. When the group is caught by the leaders, he is dropped shortly after Johan van Summeren. Sastre attacks and wins the Tour de France while Evans waits for Kohl to chase him down for him. The Schlecks hold a grudge against him for life for this.
18 - The break goes, because Cav's gone home so Stapleton doesn't care. Burghardt wins.
19 - The break goes, because Cav's gone home so Stapleton doesn't care. Chavanel finally gets a stage win.
20 - Schumacher stomps Cancellara in the ITT, because he wasn't paying attention when we found out CERA was detectable. Bernhard Kohl falls off the start ramp and still puts in an unexpectedly good result. Sastre defends his lead. Schleck inevitably loses 2nd place to Evans to prove Sastre was right. Schleck continues to whine about Sastre for several years anyway.
21 - Worthless sprint stage.