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Descender

Descender

Aug 29, 2010
3,205
250
13,880
boomcie said:
Zero di Lombacteria

The Zero di Lombacteria concludes this long and tiring year. The “classic of the crawling leech” is a very demanding race that usually ends up having a worthy winner. Although many riders were eying this classic, a few of them had explicitly made this a season goal.

A few days before the start of the race, Dekker_Tifosi was caught slurping male body fluids straight from the source, reportedly believing they contained high levels of testosterone. Cycling’s “bad boy” has already publicly declined being an active homosexual, but the public opinion is rigid.

Favorites:

***** Thirteen, Craig1985, The User Formerly Known as Zamasailo
**** Ferminal, El Pistolero
*** MickeyVeedeebee, Parrulo, TLR, mewmewmew13, Kwibus
** The Hitch, AussieGoddess, RedheadDane, Usedtobefast, ScottSoCal
* TeamSkyFans, Tuarts, Sublimit, Havetts, mewmewmew13, Ryo Hazuki, roundabout
0 Lady Gaga, Magikarp, Dekker_Tifosi, Adam Sandler, Teddy Ruxpin, Scrappy-Doo, Random Annoying Figure

Much to everyone’s surprise, Dekker_Tifosi appeared at the start of the race wearing a pink Borat-like swimsuit. Race organizer Boomcie generously allowed him to start the race. A decision solely fueled by empathy, that was loudly applauded by the audience.

The race started in horrible weather conditions. Rain was pouring down the sky and temperature was around 10 degrees. In the first meters Usedtobefast, Dr.Maserati, Escarbajo and roundabout reluctantly went into the attack. ScottSocal, caught off guard while drinking a pint of Stroh rum, was the last one to join them. The peloton was happy to let these courageous riders go and their lead quickly grew to 10 minutes.

The pace in the peloton was gentle and for a long time we saw an uneventful race, but after about 50 kilometers Timmy Loves Rabo suddenly hit the deck. While the peloton distanced the unfortunate cyclist, one rider stopped to offer him a helping hand. It was good Samaritan Jobiwan. Despite their differences in the past, Jobiwan helped out his opponent and together they made their way back to the peloton. Many riders were seen with tears in their eyes, while Moondance was singing canticles.

At the front, ScottSocal was seen handing out free samples of absinthe. The atmosphere in the front group was optimal. Reportedly, many good jokes were told, but sadly I don’t know any of those.

Back in the peloton, an animated discussion had arisen within Team Music Thread whether it was “Kanye West” or “Kenny West”. While no agreement was reached about the rapper’s name, everyone agreed that his music was god awful.

The race itself was very demanding on the riders. A few people followed TLR’s example and crashed. Many of them were not able to return to the front, amongst them pre-race favorites Ferminal, mewmewmew13 and Tuarts. Other riders simply couldn’t be bothered to continue because of the harsh weather conditions. Two of them were Borat_Tifosi and El Pistolet, who amicably hugged each other for warmth. A terrified Parrulo had to leave the race because he saw this blossoming bromance unfold.

The peloton slowly started picking up the pace, because the front group had already built a lead of over 12 minutes. Havetts, probably the best domestique in the peloton, had quickly brought down the difference to under 10 minutes. Soon he got the help of ACF and dlwssonic, 2 good BMC domestiques looking for a leader. Now the difference was going down rapidly, because the alcoholic beverages were taking heavy toll on the front group. With 80 kilometers to go the difference had been brought back to a measly 3 minutes, the sign for fan favorite ScottSocal to launch a rare vomit-attack combo. He rapidly distanced his fellow escapees and reached the foot of the Madonna del Gaysaddle with a bonus of almost 4 minutes over the peloton.

Meanwhile Dekker_Tifosi released his 1-page novel: “The advantages of a micro p*n!s”. A self-proclaimed fictional work.

As was to be expected the peloton exploded on the Madonna de Gaysaddle. As usual it was World Champion Thirteen who ripped the peloton apart. While at first she seemed to be going on a lone attack, an elite group of 8 riders (Kwibus, Craig1985, “The User Formerly Known as Zamasailo”, AussieGoddess, RedheadDane, Amsterhammer, Descender and Mellow Velo) was formed behind the valiant American. Thirteen wisely decided to wait for the group to join her and carefully observed everyone as they passed her.

Behind the lead group of nine, TheHitch and TLR were setting up a two-man time trial with MickeyVDB not trailing too far behind. When the 9 riders reached the top of the climb, The PolishProphet and TimmyTulipDidgeridoo were just 5 seconds back, while the Belgian Poulidor had almost reached them as well. In the descent of the Gaysaddle the group of nine inevitably became a 12-man group.

Remarkably, ScottSoaksAll had only lost a minute on the ascent of the Gaysaddle, a very impressive performance. At this moment Scott decided it was time to consume an entire bottle of Everclear. 3 minutes later he passed out on the side of the road. Regardless, the winner of Pariah Roulette has had a very satisfying season.

Meanwhile, 3 riders had slipped away from the lead group. In anticipation of the final climb, AussieGodess, Descender and Kwibus had gone into the attack. At the foot of the Vulva Vergano the trio had a lead of 25 seconds over the chasers, where Craig1985 couldn’t resist and immediately unleashed his fury on the Vulva. In his wheel, 2 riders followed: RedheadDane and the inevitable Thirteen. At the top of the climb we had 6 leaders: AussieGodess, Descender, Kwibus, Craig1985, RedheadDane and Thirteen. In the descent, Descender proved his name worthy. Descender’s actions and the harsh weather conditions terminated Craig1985’s race when he hit a curb on the side of the road and ended up in a ditch. The rider escaped unharmed, but was forced to abandon because of the cold.

The five remaining riders entered the last kilometer in each other’s wheels. The group slowed down while no one wanted to be in first position when the sprint started. With 800 meters to go, RedheadDane decided to launch a surprise attack. For a brief moment the group hesitated, but it was Descender who brought them back onto her wheel with 500 to go. Descender then swerved to the right side of the road and accelerated again. This time AussieGodess jumped on his wheel and dragged the rest with her. 300 meters from the line the Godess launched her sprint, the rainbow jersey was positioned perfectly in her wheel. But then an earth shattering acceleration by Kwibus turned everything upside down. While the amiable Kwibus had all the time in the world to celebrate, Thirteen and AussieGodess battled it out for second. The World Champion concluded a season of ups and downs with a beautiful 2nd place, just ahead of AussieGodess. A few seconds later Descender and RedheadDane took the 4th and 5th places.
Click to expand...

I just read this, lol! :D

Brilliant stuff, loving the name changes. :D

Too bad I missed on a podium spot, but my valiant efforts will never be forgotten. :cool::p
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
RedheadDane said:
In fact you and Scott were the only people who pulled out voluntarily...

I'd loved to stay. But apparently the risk of a serious pneumonia was too high...
Click to expand...

My DS and I had quite a row about my performance. We settled our differences over a Pannepot at dinner.

ds-pannepot.jpg


BTW, it's the first time in my life I've ever pulled out voluntarily. :D
 
Libertine Seguros

Libertine Seguros

Feb 20, 2010
33,064
15,263
28,180
The best part of the Zero is firstly Zam_Olyas as "TAFKA Zamasailo", bringing me images of a cyclist in a purple suit with frilly shirt, pencil moustache and high heels. Well, that and the amazing phrase "Craig1985 couldn't help himself and unleashed his fury on the Vulva".
 
Cobblestoned

Cobblestoned

Mar 8, 2010
3,263
1
0
That was a busy day. Too busy. Not even time to pee.
Only the top3 took some of my advices regarding setup and tyre pressure.
I told all others so and am even very experienced on cobbles.

But ok, nothing new that most riders are just arrogant *** who handle us poor mechanics unfairly and like idiots. :D

btw, won't name a name, but a rider hidden behind a tree, giving himself a bloodbag during! a race is one of the most hilarious things I ever saw in all my years in the circus.
 
Zam_Olyas

Zam_Olyas

Sep 30, 2011
9,560
9
17,495
Libertine Seguros said:
The best part of the Zero is firstly Zam_Olyas as "TAFKA Zamasailo", bringing me images of a cyclist in a purple suit with frilly shirt, pencil moustache and high heels. Well, that and the amazing phrase "Craig1985 couldn't help himself and unleashed his fury on the Vulva".
Click to expand...

jejejeje..nice.
 
sublimit

sublimit

Jan 18, 2010
3,059
0
0
I reckon Cobblestoned should now be chief mechanic and get to drive his own Mavic neutral service car for future events as a reward for his fantastic efforts - though hopefully he will supply the right tires next time. :p
 
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