Here's how to fix cycling:

[Libertine Seguros]

Mr Wrecktangle is an amusing character.

Nothing like Wonderlance level or anything, but a solid start to build from.

 

[Wrecktangle]

I dont think this thread is a thread of serious ideas.. if it is errrr sorry mr wrecktangle

What make you think they are not serious?

Now that Brother Lance is gone, about to be indicted, and not around to help out, you are in need of Public Relations suggestions.

...like the members of Obama's government, I am here to help.

 

[Wrecktangle]

chapeau wrecktangle that was a good laugh.now pass that fat blunt

Sir, please don't refer to the females on our fine forum in such terms.

 

[Ryo Hazuki]

joke account _O_

 

[BroDeal]

8. All time gaps are normalized to 2 seconds between places. This will help keep the races closer, and so gain more fan interest since their guy is never really out of the race.

Too late. The Tour de France is already using routes to do this. All the contenders get to the last few days with nary a time difference--except for those poor bastards who crash out in the first week--so that the whole race comes down to one stage at the end of the race. Exciting. Well, exciting except for the first two and a half weeks, which could bore an Antarctic researcher to suicide.

 

[Thomsena]

 

[Tank Engine]

These incredibly great new rules will balance cycling so no one has any advantage, it will eliminate drugs from the peloton, and increase the PR and media interest in our God-forsaken sport.

Any questions?

To put it in the form of a question, wouldn't those changes in the rules also eliminate the desire of anybody to become a professional cyclist, without paying excessive prize money, hence killing off the sport?

p.s. The OP is about 3 months and 1 week too early.

 

[Wrecktangle]

Too late. The Tour de France is already using routes to do this. All the contenders get to the last few days with nary a time difference--except for those poor bastards who crash out in the first week--so that the whole race comes down to one stage at the end of the race. Exciting. Well, exciting except for the first two and a half weeks, which could bore an Antarctic researcher to suicide.

Gasp! Someone has stolen the essence of my idea.

...figures that it would be someone French.

Little wonder that the Brits and Americans hate them, but then it's kind of interesting that arrogant folks each tend to not care for one another.

 

[Wrecktangle]

To put it in the form of a question, wouldn't those changes in the rules also eliminate the desire of anybody to become a professional cyclist, without paying excessive prize money, hence killing off the sport?

p.s. The OP is about 3 months and 1 week too early.

What? With better media exposure, comes higher newsprint and TV exposure and thusly higher shoe sales, which in turn results in bigger prizes, which in turn results in more fights at finish lines, which gives us higher newsprint and TV exposure, and bigger prizes, etc, etc, etc, etc, ...

Nope, everyone will want to get on a bike and race, it's the nature of man.

 

[BroDeal]

That's not in the form of a Question.

It's the off-season. Everything needs to be put in the form of a poll.

 

[Wrecktangle]

It's the off-season. Everything needs to be put in the form of a poll.

Bro, thanks.

...obviously I'm not reading the forum rules. My infraction will not happen again.

 

[BroDeal]

2. Everyone gets the 50s style walkie-talkies. Those brick-like phones only had a range of about 300 yards so it will give the peloton a feeling of togetherness which will enhance media shots.

This actually a pretty good idea. There should be a penalty for riders who don't want to think for themselves. Those who can make their own decisions won't have the same disadvantage.

Carrying one of these bad boys would be just the right amount of penalty.

 

[The Hitch]

snip

I don't see what you have against this. This is the way Valverde can win the Tour.

 

[clipperton]

in addition to the op's outstanding suggestions can i suggest that since we're calling it a "team" sport, shouldn't each "team" be allowed to be shackled together by a rope and carabiner system? you would end up with 20 or so well-organised lines of 9 riders and then, as riders tire, they would unclip and move back to the autobus, clip on there and then that would grow to a gargantuan snake of riders by the end of the stage.

 

[Mambo95]

I thought the way you fixed cycling was by giving Kolobnev $100K.

 

[Libertine Seguros]

I don't see what you have against this. This is the way Valverde can win the Tour.

If this were the price to pay, then I'd happily tell Don Alejandro he can go without a maillot jaune, and pledge undying allegiance to Igor Antón.

 

[Granville57]

in addition to the op's outstanding suggestions can i suggest that since we're calling it a "team" sport, shouldn't each "team" be allowed to be shackled together by a rope and carabiner system? you would end up with 20 or so well-organised lines of 9 riders and then, as riders tire, they would unclip and move back to the autobus, clip on there and then that would grow to a gargantuan snake of riders by the end of the stage.

Close, but no unclipping should be allowed. You go down, or have a puncture or get tired? Tough luck. You get dragged along by the other 8...or 7...or 6...or 5 riders. It should be the burden of every team to get each and every member of said team across the finish line regardless of their condition or circumstances.

Remember: these are the hard men of cycling.

 

[Wrecktangle]

in addition to the op's outstanding suggestions can i suggest that since we're calling it a "team" sport, shouldn't each "team" be allowed to be shackled together by a rope and carabiner system? you would end up with 20 or so well-organised lines of 9 riders and then, as riders tire, they would unclip and move back to the autobus, clip on there and then that would grow to a gargantuan snake of riders by the end of the stage.

Excellent suggestions like this are exactly the reason I thought I needed to make my post.

...this way we can make inroads into the rock-climbing audience. I'm told their numbers are huge.

 

[clipperton]

Close, but no unclipping should be allowed. You go down, or have a puncture or get tired? Tough luck. You get dragged along by the other 8...or 7...or 6...or 5 riders. It should be the burden of every team to get each and every member of said team across the finish line regardless of their condition or circumstances.

Remember: these are the hard men of cycling.

i think this would give an unfair advantage to the schleck sisters, who've been practising this approach in ttt's for years now.

 

[clipperton]

Excellent suggestions like this are exactly the reason I thought I needed to make my post.

...this way we can make inroads into the rock-climbing audience. I'm told their numbers are huge.

and i bet they'd go just as ape sh!t over carbon fibre carabiners as we do over carbon fibre dentures.

 

[LaFlorecita]

As a resident of The Nederlands, I can understand your interest in "wreckcreational" drugs...but we are mainly into marijuana here in Tijuana Norte.

...but no, not at the moment...

...next Question.

Oh. Then you're just hopeless.

 

[Wrecktangle]

Another excellent idea!

Once the UCI implements the 8 "New Rulez," our buddy Lance will promptly unretire again with the thought that he can now beat "this pack of wussies" under them. Then we'll get tension in team RS-yadda-yadda as the Schlecks will feel undermined and we'll have a new JB Hamlet "who do I support" soap-opera.

...this will reawaken the American media types as their hero will be back, and the revenue will again start flowing.

 

[clipperton]

Once the UCI implements the 8 "New Rulez," our buddy Lance will promptly unretire again with the thought that he can now beat "this pack of wussies" under them. Then we'll get tension in team RS-yadda-yadda as the Schlecks will feel undermined and we'll have a new JB Hamlet "who do I support" soap-opera.

...this will reawaken the American media types as their hero will be back, and the revenue will again start flowing.

i like where you're heading with this one, but i think there's two birds with one stone we can kill here.
given the recent complaints from the womyn's peloton about the uneven distribution of funding for cycling (or "perfectly bloody even given that funding is a result of revenue" depending on your perspective) perhaps what the uci should be looking to do is to merge the mens' and womyns' pelotons, but offer a handicap in the interest of competition. instead of just a "man vs womyn" handicap, what about we base the handicap on the number of testicles each rider has? this would allow both the womyn and the uniballer a fighting chance.

 

[woodie]

1. Everyone rides old Schwinn fat-tyre bicycles from the 50s. Everyone is issued the exactly same bike, no TT variants, three gears only. Now nobody has any kind of mechanical advantage, including Spartacus whom I'm still convinced was mechanically doping.

2. Everyone gets the 50s style walkie-talkies. Those brick-like phones only had a range of about 300 yards so it will give the peloton a feeling of togetherness which will enhance media shots.

3. Arrange housing in military barracks along the way, or rather change the race routes to towns that only have enough barracks to accomodate all the racers. Everyone sleeps in same place, and has 1900 curfews. This will drastically cut down drugie opportunities.

4. Everyone eats in one military-style mess hall, eating the exact same food. No special diets, no foo-foo chefs.

5. Assign a 24/7 guard to each rider when off the bike. This will eliminate all the other drug opportunities.

6. Everyone rides in duplicate old school busses in transfers. That way each seat has a rider and his 24/7 guard on constant watch.

7. Everyone visits the same masseuse in reverse order of their standing in the race. (relates to point 8 below)

8. All time gaps are normalized to 2 seconds between places. This will help keep the races closer, and so gain more fan interest since their guy is never really out of the race.

9. Team managers will change each day to a new team. This way, everyone is helped or cursed by brilliant/bone-head manager decisions.

These incredibly great new rules will balance cycling so no one has any advantage, it will eliminate drugs from the peloton, and increase the PR and media interest in our God-forsaken sport.

Any questions?

bahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahaha

nice, bit early for april fools though

 

[Tank Engine]

Any questions?

I see the proposals are specifically aimed at simplifying stage races, so we Brits and our like who are not infused with the arcane beauty of the sport from an early age can understand what is going on and not wonder why Cav is 138th, since he won 60% of the stages.

However, I have one question regarding the length of stages and developing the spectacle of what happens along the route. Do you want to shorten the stages, because if not there will have to be some sort of primes along the way? Maybe we could make the sport more attractive to basketball/soccer fans by having one of the riders in a team carry a ball which must within a specified distance be passed on to a team mate. There could be a "goal" at the top of climbs or at sprints and say the first three riders to score goals at these points would gain points in the appropriate competition and possibly a time bonus. Well?