I supported Lance Armstrong until...

[fat_boy_fat]

I’m following road cycling since 1996, Riis’ Tour win. There had been doubts about him and his leap in performance. And then the team had to even hold back the youngster Ullrich …

1998 made clear, that the whole bunch was infested. Bitter. And it let look the ’97 Ullrich bad, who had beaten a Virenque pumped up with EPO, what must have lifted Virenque to a new level of performance. So, either was Ullrich doped too or kind of a one-in-a-century talent (what we all loved to believe because of the glory, but what is at the same time a very improbable thing, isn’t it?). Good for him, that he lost ’98.

And then this average American racer turned up in 1999 and won with an unbeatable team of relatively unknown guys. They must have been searched for and trained for years, but in contrary it was kind of a mystery show popping up out of nowhere. Incredible … Or, in his own words: "not normal".

German TV journalists were aware of the strange nature of the Tour’s development in average speed and climbing times and they even mentioned doubts, but in the end they didn’t dare to speak up because of their economical connection to Team Telekom, what prevented them to do a really independent job. Being independent and judging honestly would have meant to damn the whole Telekom crew together with USPS and that would have meant to sacrifice the Holy Cow which was Team Telekom. Damned cheerleaders they have been …

It would have been a mess if Armstrong had turned out to be a nice guy. Good, this didn’t happen. In the way it happened, it might have been hard to see him win, but I could stand it as a fan, because I simply rewrote the GC in my head (without knowing who was following him on the dope route).

Whatever LA tried to be part of cycling, it didn’t help – for me he was always a pretender, not a sportsman, an aggressive loser, trying to force people to admire him. Nobody to cheer to, nobody who did earn any respect. For what? For having once waited for Ullrich?

All the rest is money and marketing and PR to make even more of it. Until recently I missed to understand the nature of the SCA deal, but now I’m convinced, that the whole story started as a bet. And it was kind of a revenge: Cycling betrayed him by giving him cancer as a result of his first doping attempts and so LA swore to pay back. Not only that, he also made up a plan to make huge money with it and in order to make it happen he did everything to ensure his success, found investors, sponsors and ruthless insiders like Bruyneel, set up this Livestrong thing as a cover-up. They analysed what had to happen and did it.

Just did it.

To answer the question: I never supported him and since 1999 I thought, that his performance was "not normal".

 

[centri]

The Simeoni incident was the straw for me.

As an aside, you know how they say that failing a doping test is like failing an IQ test? So was aggravating Simeoni on live television in front of the world with the race wrapped up.

 

[ExRower]

Simeoni incident. Only a doper would do that.

Started following the sport in 2001, so didnt know much about the Festina Affair, etc.

 

[Mishrak]

Lance and US Postal was the reason I started watching the Tour. My dad would tell me about it and when I finally had an opportunity to watch it, I was sucked in. '03, '04, '05. I was glued to the TV all day for 21 days in July. Watching the TTs and climbs became favorite pastimes of mine in the summer. I would often brag about US Postal's superior tactics and how they would just "shred the peleton up the climbs" with their domestiques.

When Lance returned in 2009, I was actually really excited. I hadn't followed cycling much after his retirement, so I sort of missed all the hoopla revolving around Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton's positives, false defenses, and subsequent bans. I had seen a trickle of news about those, as well as Puerto and Jan Ullrich but otherwise hadn't really connected the dots yet.

When Landis finally started making noise, I was initially very skeptical. I just didn't trust his testimony - rightfully so, he'd lied to a lot of people for quite some time. Even when Tyler came forward and was on 60 minutes, I was skeptical. I was unwilling to accept that the UCI was corrupt. I didn't see it as being possible.

This (along with many conversations with a friend) caused me to start digging though, and I started reading more stuff here on the Clinic. As I started looking into the past of the sport, it became more and more obvious that the sport had a history of doping and it was within the very fabric of the culture. It became impossible to ignore and I flipped sides, almost quite literally, over night.

All of Lance's PR tactics had been unraveled by the clever minds of the folks here at the Clinic and other sources and it became impossible for me to accept that anyone with any sort of intelligence could believe Lance was clean. The one conclusion that forced me to amend my thoughts was this: If so many people were doping and have been busted for it, was it really possible for someone to beat all of those guys clean? Common sense would suggest no. The rest of the details really didn't matter quite honestly.

I love the sport so much, and I will continue to love it. My only hope is the right changes are made so we can get a clean(er) sport and avoid these scandals in the future.

 

[FoxxyBrown1111]

...

The german view. The exact one.
As i wrote many times & today, i took somehow the same pattern: "not normal", "made up", "more than just dope". I knew it from the beginning.
What really annoyed me, and does up today: He took away the sure glory days ahead of us: Countless TdF-Wins for Germany. A 22 year old guy finishing 2nd his first tour. Bigger than Merckx (i think himself said it in DER SPIEGEL, or Hinault; whatever one of them).
It was easy to count. If no injuries, riding in normal form at least until age of 35, a minimum 10 TdF victories were in sight. The biggest story all time, in all sports. The future looked bright. It was wonderful. What a german summer 1997. I meet my wife, had great parties, and Ulle took 9 mins into everybody...

That way the gays must have felt in California in 1980. Everything looked perfect, they finally achieved freedom, and then the storm came... I think that´s the best metaphor i can bring here.

The first bump in the road came with Festina-98, and the "Hungerast".

And then came Pharmstrong... He stole it, everything. Even under normal doping circumstances (w/o protection, w/o the most ruthless dope ever), Armstrong would have done what he did before: Bribing obscure US races, winning one day races here and there. But a no show at the TdF. He actually killed the TdF. He spit on the people of france with his insults. How in the world did this evil become a national hero? I can´t get it up today.

And it got worse. 2005 Teflon Armstrong just washed away the Epo positives with the help of the UCI report.
Finally 2006 arrived when the monster had stepped aside, Ullrich was to make his 2nd TdF win. No... Everything went upside down. Ullrich was in the middle of a true witch hunt. Armstrong had no idea (up to Oct. 10th 2012) what that really is, still he acused others of it.
And the monster was still celebrated as if nothing happened (so were the other cheaters like Valv-Piti and AC). I was about to run mad...

 

[fat_boy_fat]

(Just for the record: I’m not connected to FoxxyBrown111 nor do I share his enthusiasm about a certain cake-loving boy from Eastern Germany. Jan is indeed a much nicer human being than the Texman, but nevertheless he failed big time.)

 

[FoxxyBrown1111]

Did i say we are connected? Let me go trou my post.... nope, nothing in there.

 

[amp300]

2000 or 20001. whatever year it was that on the last day of the tour they (american tv, it was OLN before the switched to versus) are asking Greg Lemond while during a bike ride about Lance and I remember how quietly and indifferently he was answering the questions about Lance. That was the turning moment for me. For some reason Greg didn't come off as bitter or jealous about Lance, he more so came off as "I have a story to tell but now is not the time".

 

[Wines of WA]

Like Foxxy Brown, I've also been waiting for the events of October 10th, 2012 for more than a decade.

I did my first road race in 1989 while in college, inspired by Greg Lemond's exploits to some extent. I've been following pro cycling since the Lemond era. I watched the Festina affair unfold, then spent the years 1999-2004ish in confused disbelief. So many dopers getting nailed, yet Lance, the racer with the most obvious performance anomalies, remains relatively unscathed. I half knew he was guilty even then, but on the other hand, I kept referring to his never having failed a test as plausible evidence of non-evidence (if you catch my drift). The flip side of that coin is the reality that it's hard to prove a negative.

But then proximate evidence began to build: Simeoni was the first. Then Heras, Hamilton, Landis and others. There was always the Andreus and his maseuse (Emma?). His mechanic too. Eventually, my mind flipped to "where there's smoke there's fire" mode. In this case, there was a lot of smoke, plus you could see sparks through the smoke.

And now we know. F---ing cheater. F---ing wasted my time watching him and the rest of that generation of cheaters. And no, I don't buy the "hey relax man, it's all just entertainment" bit. It's not right, and the evidence of coercion in the USADA report underscores one major reason why this is about much more than just entertainment. It's a mafia, and it affects real lives in significant ways. And as the father of three young boys, I want them to know that the idols society foists upon a pedestal are worthy. I also want them to see cheaters get punished hard. That's how it's supposed to work. All the rest is wishful thinkers exercising psychological defense mechanisms to maintain a reality that never existed.

On a broader note, I'm just sick of cheaters and false idols. Lance is just the latest in a chain of them that includes Marion Jones, Joe Paterno, Barry Bonds, innumerable politicians of every stripe, and even your local Catholic priest and at least two successive popes. I'm done with all of them. From here, I'm going to "worship" great doctors, teachers and scientists instead. Those are the real heroes in human society.

 

[Aleajactaest]

I still do. He is a deeply flawed competitor but as a cancer advocate, he has access to the right people to be heard. Regardless of how you feel about the .com side, Livestrong has done a lot to raise awareness and provide support to cancer patients and their families. I can pretty much guarantee he's done more for that cause than anyone here.

He doped in an era when virtually everyone did. The only reason more aren't implicated is that USADA chose not to look. There is no one to give his palmeres to as all the guys who were close doped to. Probally all the guys lower who had less natural talent did too but were lucky enough not to be tested. Would it be better if earlier doping cases had really given the UCI a wake up call, sure. But, they're too close to the sport to be objective. Regardless of how I feel about how USADA handled this, the only way to bring this out was for someone outside the sport to do it. I think they chose a stupid way to do it and have damamged hundreds of lives unneccessarily but it needed to happen.

They should have negotiated an amnesty, brought out all the evidence and worked with all the others to build a transparent testing program.

 

[Dekker_Tifosi]

I'd say until 2002, when I became crushingly bored with the Blue Train and the blatantly obvious doping.

bit later here

2005 when discovery was horribly bad until after the rest day, they suddenly flew up the mountains

right then and there I thought they were on some sort of system

 

[luckyboy]

I was 13 when I started watching cycling in 2003. Dauphine was my first race I think.

Supported Ullrich/Moreau that Tour, can't remember why. Also supported Virenque in his last two years at the Tour

I read about Lance coming back from cancer and doing what he did didn't seem possible. Don't remember the Simeoni incident happening very well. The 05 positives made it pretty obvious what was going on.

 

[erader]

I still do. He is a deeply flawed competitor but as a cancer advocate, he has access to the right people to be heard. Regardless of how you feel about the .com side, Livestrong has done a lot to raise awareness and provide support to cancer patients and their families. I can pretty much guarantee he's done more for that cause than anyone here.

He doped in an era when virtually everyone did. The only reason more aren't implicated is that USADA chose not to look. There is no one to give his palmeres to as all the guys who were close doped to. Probally all the guys lower who had less natural talent did too but were lucky enough not to be tested. Would it be better if earlier doping cases had really given the UCI a wake up call, sure. But, they're too close to the sport to be objective. Regardless of how I feel about how USADA handled this, the only way to bring this out was for someone outside the sport to do it. I think they chose a stupid way to do it and have damamged hundreds of lives unneccessarily but it needed to happen.

They should have negotiated an amnesty, brought out all the evidence and worked with all the others to build a transparent testing program.

yep. it's the USADA's fault but at least you aren't still bleating the 500 clean tests mantra. there's hope for you .

 

[Page Mill Masochist]

I only became a fan in 2009 when I started following the sport. After Floyd came out in 2010, I decided to do some independent thinking on the subject. And learned this ...

In no world-class sport measured by a stopwatch, and with a large enough data set (to exclude thinly contested ultra marathons, etc.), will the top athlete be more than about 1% - 2% faster than the others. Usain Bolt is about 1% faster than the next guy and about 2% faster than all the Olympic finalists in the 100m.

But the EPO/transfusion advantage is a lot bigger than 1% - 2%. It is at least 5% and a lot more for some cyclists.

It is impossible for a clean athlete to beat EPO/transfusion riders up mountains.

So Lance had to be lying.

Then I discovered The Clinic and my outsider's analysis was confirmed.

 

[FoxxyBrown1111]

Livestrong has done a lot to raise awareness and provide support to cancer patients

I am aware of cancer since 1979, when a friend of my mother died. And those who didn´t knew of someone dying of cancer, they were aware of it since attenting school. I don´t know how it goes with hillbillies in Wyoming, but the normal educated person in the world is aware of cancer since childhood. No Pharmstrong needed here.

Which support? Did he pay for their treatment? AFIK, the docs to the job, and as sad as it is, in the year 2012 the cancer treatment is on the stand of the mid 70s (chemo, OP, radiation). What did Lance, other than milking patients and their families, to improve?

 

[WinterRider]

I still do. He is a deeply flawed competitor but as a cancer advocate, he has access to the right people to be heard. Regardless of how you feel about the .com side, Livestrong has done a lot to raise awareness and provide support to cancer patients and their families. I can pretty much guarantee he's done more for that cause than anyone here.

He doped in an era when virtually everyone did. The only reason more aren't implicated is that USADA chose not to look. There is no one to give his palmeres to as all the guys who were close doped to. Probally all the guys lower who had less natural talent did too but were lucky enough not to be tested. Would it be better if earlier doping cases had really given the UCI a wake up call, sure. But, they're too close to the sport to be objective. Regardless of how I feel about how USADA handled this, the only way to bring this out was for someone outside the sport to do it. I think they chose a stupid way to do it and have damamged hundreds of lives unneccessarily but it needed to happen.

They should have negotiated an amnesty, brought out all the evidence and worked with all the others to build a transparent testing program.

His charity diverts hundreds of millions of dollars away from cancer research into cancer "awareness". Did you know that's all his charity is about, awareness? Personally I would rather that money go to finding a cure.

Part of cancer awareness is Lance flying all over the world to talk about it, so donations to his charity pay for his private jet, his hotels, his food, his everything. And let me tell you, he does not eat cheap, and private jets aren't cheap either. As a bonus, he used his private jet to ferry drugs across international borders during his cycling days, so some donations to livestrong actually payed for his cheating.

Here is what actual cancer researchers (including a Nobel Laureate) think of a funding organization set up by Lance, they are resigning:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/14/us/more-scientists-quit-texas-cancer-research-institute.html

The best thing Lance could do for cancer would be to go away and never come back.

 

[Jalina]

I still do. He is a deeply flawed competitor but as a cancer advocate, he has access to the right people to be heard. Regardless of how you feel about the .com side, Livestrong has done a lot to raise awareness and provide support to cancer patients and their families. I can pretty much guarantee he's done more for that cause than anyone here.

He doped in an era when virtually everyone did. The only reason more aren't implicated is that USADA chose not to look. There is no one to give his palmeres to as all the guys who were close doped to. Probally all the guys lower who had less natural talent did too but were lucky enough not to be tested. Would it be better if earlier doping cases had really given the UCI a wake up call, sure. But, they're too close to the sport to be objective. Regardless of how I feel about how USADA handled this, the only way to bring this out was for someone outside the sport to do it. I think they chose a stupid way to do it and have damamged hundreds of lives unneccessarily but it needed to happen.

They should have negotiated an amnesty, brought out all the evidence and worked with all the others to build a transparent testing program.

PMSL! An amnesty that Lance would never have been involved in? If he hasn't come clean now, do you think he would have during an amnesty??
Others come clean, Lance doesn't, "I'm the only clean one. I won 7 TdFs clean against dopers!".... the legend grows..... please.

Lance choosing to come clean during an amnesty.... still laughing... I need to change my undies!! LOL!!!

 

[Racelap]

Until Floyd Landis appeared on 60 Minutes in 2010.

I wasn't aware of Lance's antics or his ****ty personality. And as an avid fan of Formula 1 racing I already had seen how deeply corruption, favoritism, and even nationalism could run in Europe's summer sports - the French having a vendetta against Lance did not seem at all that outrageous to me. I'd seen what happened in the wake of Ayrton Senna's death at Imola, Italy in 1994, what a sham the politicized investigations and 'criminal' proceedings had become, and I could see that sort of thing existing in cycling with ease. And, in fact, it does. But what I learned after Floyd spoke out is that rather than being the one on the receiving end of vendettas and 'witch hunts', it was Lance that was the one dishing all the misery out. It was pretty disappointing, but not all that surprising once I really thought about it. Winning the TdF 7 consecutive times is farcical in of itself. It's like hitting 7 jackpots in a row on a slot machine. The only way it's possible is if it's rigged. And if you deny that simple truth then you're either a fool or you're in on the scam. That's why I laugh at the clowns like Jens Voigt or Phil Liggett who really think they're fooling anyone.

 

[LongSprint]

Never. Just didn't like the guy, though I have to say he has loads of charisma.

 

[Cookster15]

I think it was 2008 when Popovich moved from Discovery to Lotto and lost about 100 Watts in the process. Until then I was a Lance fan as much as anyone.

After then I knew the level playing field where everyone was doped but more or less to the same level was a myth.

I know Lance wasn't racing in 2008 but Discovery was Bruyneel's team and that is how I became suspicious of Amstrong's achievements. That lead me to do more research which only entrenched my lack of respect for the man and what he "achieved".

 

[webvan]

1999 Prologue - WTH !!
1999 Sestrieres - WTF ?! Or as Dopestrong would have put it "not normal".

 

[roundabout]

Last Friday of the 1998 Vuelta was the start

First ITT in 1999 Tour and then that stage to Sestriere. By the Pyrenees I was cheering for Zülle when Lance cracked a bit in the last km of the stage to Piau-Engaly.

 

[Baroh1488]

I supported Lance Armstrong, even though I suspected him of doping, until I read Tylers book and the USADA report and realized that the guy is a creepy sociopath. It is not so much the doping as what he has done to keep it from being exposed. And the Livestrong hoax makes me sick.

 

[Amsterhammer]

I've had the intention for some considerable time now (don't know exactly for how long) to write up my own experience in the hope of achieving some sort of personal catharsis on this awful story of deception and betrayal. Events of the last few weeks finally gave me the kick that I needed.

I’ve followed cycling as an armchair fan since I moved to Holland in 1989, and found that there was all sorts of cycling to be seen on the cable here. I enjoyed watching, but was never as seriously ‘into’ the sport as many on here are. I rode/ride a bike most days, as most in Holland do, but no racing, nothing serious, purely functional and recreational in the normal Dutch way.

The first thing I saw that got me excited was Lemond’s 8 second win in Paris.

Then, I happened to watch LA win his world title in the rain in Oslo, and immediately became a fan.

My wife and I were shocked and saddened to hear that he was diagnosed with cancer. No one can ever know for sure if prior doping practices played any part in him becoming sick, and quite frankly, I could care less. There is virtually never one, clear-cut reason why someone gets struck by cancer.

(Foxxy, I honestly think that your suggestion that he somehow 'faked' his cancer and made the deception complete by voluntarily losing a testicle - all to cover up prior doping and to facilitate future doping - is really way too ****ing bizarre to take. Despite everything that has come to light, I feel now as I did when I first joined this forum, namely that there are a worrying number of deeply, pathologically, compulsively obsessive and hate-filled posters here, who appear not to have lives outside of posting about doping in cycling, and who are now all enjoying multiple orgasms of Schadenfreude.) I’m not having a pop at anyone in particular, nor am I looking to start any kind of row, just a general observation about how you people who live here in the Clinic look to the rest of the world.

I can actually understand the mindset of the hard core Clinic obsessives much better now than when I first joined this forum. It’s just not in my nature to be like that, or to carry that much hate and bile in my heart for years at a time. Life's too short...

My wife became a LA 'fan' on his return to racing for the same reason that millions of other people who weren't really cycling fans did - it was awesome to see someone return to top sport after what he'd been through. So, from LA's return to racing up until around 03 we both cheered him on, shook our heads at the 'stupid dopers' who kept getting caught, and marveled at his and his team's dominance. Of course, LA had to be clean because he was a cancer survivor, and therefore surely would never consider doping, and because he kept passing all the tests. I think that my first, occasional pangs of doubt may have surfaced around 03, but I had no trouble shrugging them off. 'So what if he does,' I rationalized to myself, 'they all do.' Yes, the Simeoni episode occasionally nagged from the back of the mind…..

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 03, so when the yellow bands came out in 04, we were naturally all over them and both wore one. For us, they symbolized not only our support for the fight against cancer in general, but also represented a sort of 'badge of courage' because 'we' had cancer too. My wife had lost her hair several times during this period and had a mastectomy. She saw wearing the yellow band as a gesture that was important to her. I bought and gave away around 80 yellow bands during the next few years, something we saw as one of our small contributions in the great global fight against cancer.

We lost our particular battle when my wife died in May 07. I took the yellow band off her wrist, put it on mine, and vowed never to take it off.

I can’t remember how or why I wound up on CN two years later, I imagine it was because I wanted to engage in some English (as opposed to Dutch) tour talk. I was immediately labeled a fanboy who only watched in July, and roundly set upon and abused for my naïve ignorance, and for not buying into the astonishing – and to me, completely new – amount of LA hatred that was going on here. I really had no idea that there were people who felt like that, I was gobsmacked. I was also so disgusted by the largely unmoderated and unpunished abuse that went on, that I decided, ‘I don’t need this sh!t’, and disappeared for a year or more sometime after my BoB brainwave.

I should point out that I had been a regular forum user since before the turn of the century, and also a mod and admin, which made my shock at the state of affairs here on CN even greater. I had literally never come across such a ‘lawless’ forum, nor had I ever seen posters ‘get away’ with the kind of abuse that was commonplace here in the summer of 09. Extra mods were added after I left, and the Clinic was set up. Today’s CN, while far from perfect, is an altogether different, and better forum than it was then.

During my CN free time, I read, watched, and listened. Since I like to think of myself as a rational man who is open to reason and argument, I gradually but inevitably came to the unavoidable conclusion that LA had indeed been a liar, cheat, and fraud for a long time. This realization was pretty depressing, since it meant that I had allowed myself to be fooled, despite my occasional misgivings going back to his tour wins. Why hadn’t I listened to that voice? The cancer angle, that was the hook he had in me, because surely Livestrong was above board, and was doing good work? Surely? And anyone who did such good work for cancer sufferers just couldn’t be the kind of evil ******* that he was made out to be here. Surely?

Since (occasionally) posting again on CN over the last couple of years, I’ve kept my eyes and brain open, even though I’m not the Clinic poster type. I began to question and analyze my motives for still wearing my wife’s yellow band. Earlier this year, my revulsion at my own hypocrisy finally reached breaking point, and on the fifth anniversary of my wife’s death last May, I had a serious word with her picture on my bedroom wall, and articulated (in Dutch) why I could no longer wear her band, even if I only thought of it as one last keepsake of hers. I took it off and put it in the box with a few other small things that were hers, and there it will stay until they clean up when I’m gone. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away, simply because it had been hers, because she had worn it on her wrist.

I have had nothing more to do with Liestrong for years now, there are plenty of other cancer charities and organizations doing good work. Here ends my confession, and with it a weight off my chest.

 

[skidmark]

I've had the intention for some considerable time now (don't know exactly for how long) to write up my own experience in the hope of achieving some sort of personal catharsis on this awful story of deception and betrayal. Events of the last few weeks finally gave me the kick that I needed.

I’ve followed cycling as an armchair fan since I moved to Holland in 1989, and found that there was all sorts of cycling to be seen on the cable here. I enjoyed watching, but was never as seriously ‘into’ the sport as many on here are. I rode/ride a bike most days, as most in Holland do, but no racing, nothing serious, purely functional and recreational in the normal Dutch way.

The first thing I saw that got me excited was Lemond’s 8 second win in Paris.

Then, I happened to watch LA win his world title in the rain in Oslo, and immediately became a fan.

My wife and I were shocked and saddened to hear that he was diagnosed with cancer. No one can ever know for sure if prior doping practices played any part in him becoming sick, and quite frankly, I could care less. There is virtually never one, clear-cut reason why someone gets struck by cancer.

(Foxxy, I honestly think that your suggestion that he somehow 'faked' his cancer and made the deception complete by voluntarily losing a testicle - all to cover up prior doping and to facilitate future doping - is really way too ****ing bizarre to take. Despite everything that has come to light, I feel now as I did when I first joined this forum, namely that there are a worrying number of deeply, pathologically, compulsively obsessive and hate-filled posters here, who appear not to have lives outside of posting about doping in cycling, and who are now all enjoying multiple orgasms of Schadenfreude.) I’m not having a pop at anyone in particular, nor am I looking to start any kind of row, just a general observation about how you people who live here in the Clinic look to the rest of the world.

I can actually understand the mindset of the hard core Clinic obsessives much better now than when I first joined this forum. It’s just not in my nature to be like that, or to carry that much hate and bile in my heart for years at a time. Life's too short...

My wife became a LA 'fan' on his return to racing for the same reason that millions of other people who weren't really cycling fans did - it was awesome to see someone return to top sport after what he'd been through. So, from LA's return to racing up until around 03 we both cheered him on, shook our heads at the 'stupid dopers' who kept getting caught, and marveled at his and his team's dominance. Of course, LA had to be clean because he was a cancer survivor, and therefore surely would never consider doping, and because he kept passing all the tests. I think that my first, occasional pangs of doubt may have surfaced around 03, but I had no trouble shrugging them off. 'So what if he does,' I rationalized to myself, 'they all do.' Yes, the Simeoni episode occasionally nagged from the back of the mind…..

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 03, so when the yellow bands came out in 04, we were naturally all over them and both wore one. For us, they symbolized not only our support for the fight against cancer in general, but also represented a sort of 'badge of courage' because 'we' had cancer too. My wife had lost her hair several times during this period and had a mastectomy. She saw wearing the yellow band as a gesture that was important to her. I bought and gave away around 80 yellow bands during the next few years, something we saw as one of our small contributions in the great global fight against cancer.

We lost our particular battle when my wife died in May 07. I took the yellow band off her wrist, put it on mine, and vowed never to take it off.

I can’t remember how or why I wound up on CN two years later, I imagine it was because I wanted to engage in some English (as opposed to Dutch) tour talk. I was immediately labeled a fanboy who only watched in July, and roundly set upon and abused for my naïve ignorance, and for not buying into the astonishing – and to me, completely new – amount of LA hatred that was going on here. I really had no idea that there were people who felt like that, I was gobsmacked. I was also so disgusted by the largely unmoderated and unpunished abuse that went on, that I decided, ‘I don’t need this sh!t’, and disappeared for a year or more sometime after my BoB brainwave.

I should point out that I had been a regular forum user since before the turn of the century, and also a mod and admin, which made my shock at the state of affairs here on CN even greater. I had literally never come across such a ‘lawless’ forum, nor had I ever seen posters ‘get away’ with the kind of abuse that was commonplace here in the summer of 09. Extra mods were added after I left, and the Clinic was set up. Today’s CN, while far from perfect, is an altogether different, and better forum than it was then.

During my CN free time, I read, watched, and listened. Since I like to think of myself as a rational man who is open to reason and argument, I gradually but inevitably came to the unavoidable conclusion that LA had indeed been a liar, cheat, and fraud for a long time. This realization was pretty depressing, since it meant that I had allowed myself to be fooled, despite my occasional misgivings going back to his tour wins. Why hadn’t I listened to that voice? The cancer angle, that was the hook he had in me, because surely Livestrong was above board, and was doing good work? Surely? And anyone who did such good work for cancer sufferers just couldn’t be the kind of evil ******* that he was made out to be here. Surely?

Since (occasionally) posting again on CN over the last couple of years, I’ve kept my eyes and brain open, even though I’m not the Clinic poster type. I began to question and analyze my motives for still wearing my wife’s yellow band. Earlier this year, my revulsion at my own hypocrisy finally reached breaking point, and on the fifth anniversary of my wife’s death last May, I had a serious word with her picture on my bedroom wall, and articulated (in Dutch) why I could no longer wear her band, even if I only thought of it as one last keepsake of hers. I took it off and put it in the box with a few other small things that were hers, and there it will stay until they clean up when I’m gone. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away, simply because it had been hers, because she had worn it on her wrist.

I have had nothing more to do with Liestrong for years now, there are plenty of other cancer charities and organizations doing good work. Here ends my confession, and with it a weight off my chest.

Holy crap Amsterhammer. I can honestly say that in my time at CN forums, nothing I've ever read here has literally brought a tear to my eye until now. How frustrating that such a fraud can ingrain himself in people's lives like that. It's been fun seeing this whole legacy fall, partially because I could sense the guy was a jerk in 2004 when I started following cycling even before I knew about doping. His jerkness was somewhat offset in my eyes by his perceived dedication to 'the cause'. But I don't think I understood the magnitude of his betrayal to those he claimed to serve, by giving them belief that they could beat the world like him, until I just read this now. I am glad that you could share this.