Stage 2:
That's right, I just can't wait until tomorrow and had to get this up before stage 1 sends me into a boredom-induced coma.
This stage both starts and ends in Kelso, so you're getting two lots of facts about Kelso... but first we should discuss the borders and its indigenous population. It is a well known fact that the closer you get to the English border, the more Scottish the people become. You might catch Glaswegians watching Arsenal Vs. Chelsea, but not in Kelso, oh no. Locals are much more likely to be found half naked, wrapped in only their Grandma's picnic rug, covered in blue and white face paint and screaming at anyone whose clothing is mainly white and red. Lotto Soudal take note. If you've never heard the Corries before then just pop into a pub in Roxburghshire and you'll soon be singing along to The Black Douglas, Dark Lochnagar or The Massacre of Glencoe. Along with the most Scottish of the Scots, the Borders are steeped in history. Lets take a journey along our route and see what treasures it holds...
Kelso is famous for many things, but I've already promised Tarzan so that better be where we start.
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes was filmed at Floors Castle in Kelso, the Seat of the Duke of Roxburghe. It's pretty big, I'm sure there's more than one seat in it, maybe we'll find out in the pre-race build up. I'm also pretty sure Tarzan isn't still there, it's just a local who hasn't put their face paint on yet.
As the race leaves Kelso, almost instantly, we get a sprint. The first of 4 today, including the inevitable bunch sprint. This first sprint happens in Coldstream, famous for the Coldstream Guards. The oldest regiment with continuous service in the British Army, they can be traced back to Oliver Cromwell's New Model Army. Don't buy their albums though, it's just terrible versions of the Marriage of Figaro. Like any other regiment it has a long history of killing people around the world, so we'll leave that well alone.
From Coldstream the riders will follow the border which runs through the river Tweed. This is the river we intend to widen to make Scotland an Island nation, please don't tell anyone about that though or they may ask me to leave. The borders boast some hilly roads to the West of Melrose so our intrepid explorers will remain exclusively East of this town (Honestly, they have literally picked the flatest part of the borders to host the stage. Go have a look if you don't believe me). The first ramp is Hardens Hill, a mighty climb at 2.3km long with an average gradient of 4.3%. The riders will certainly need to harden their spirit to get over it, I predict massive gaps with riders zig-zagging across the Tarmacadam, battling such fearsome gradients.
Once over here there will be a sprint in Duns. No doubt the climbers will still be out in front of the shredded peloton as they enter this historic County Town, most famous for being the home of Margaret Lumsden, a victim of Demonic Possession. Many riders may be wishing they were possessed by this point as the rolling roads take us on to the next majestic climb. At 4km long and an average 2.1% gradient, you can see why the organisers just had to include it.
We hit Melrose next and its famous Abbey. This fell into ruin after the Reformation (sorry to anyone who just had flashbacks to History classes) and has, buried within it, a casket purported to contain the heart of Robert The Bruce. The home of Sir Walter Scott is also nearby (I wasn't lying when I said the borders are steeped in history).
Immediately out of Melrose the riders will hit a, frankly, ludicrously steep climb. at 2.6km long and with an average gradient of 6% I predict that the whole peloton will be seen taking multiple sticky bottles in an attempt to conquer this behemoth. Frankly I don't know how they can expect the riders to continue after that, but they will force them to rider another agonising 23.4km to return to Kelso. This is especially cruel, considering the only just left there and were hoping never to return. Why? Well Kelso charges more for beer than elsewhere in Scotland. Yes! Really! (ok, they used to. Artistic licence, get off my case). A tax of 2 pence was applied to every pint of ale, beer or porter sold in the town to replace a bridge destroyed in a flood. The tax was continued after the construction of the bridge and the Riot Act had to be read to the complaining townsfolk.
It's going to be a hard competition this year, but I think both stage 1 and 2 will be in with a chance of winning Most Boring Stage of the Race. Here's the route and profile, because everyone needs comedy in their life:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram