I, Lance Armstrong, being of sound mind and body except for the missing pelota do hereby submit this statement to USADA, the general public and my most hated enemies-The Clinic.
To the members of The Clinic I say YOU MAGGOTS YOU TROLLS YOU HATERS. While I was out winning Tours and curing cancer, you sat around whining and whinging and hating my accomplishments. Why? because you accomplishment-hating DO-NOTHINGS sit on your fat a.rses typing away, typing away, typing away day and night night and day weekends holidays never taking a break always typing away. You know I've read EVERY one of the posts about me anywhere on the web. I have armies of sock puppets propping up my image everywhere. But you B.ASTARDS in the clinic!
I've lost sleep because of you. I can't get it up because of you. I got cancer because of you!
To USADA, thank you for dropping all charges against me. It was the correct thing to do, being an election year and all.
To the general public. I know you have not lost hope for me and the cancer fighting cause. You have supported me and my one c.ojone like an extra small athletic supporter. I will pay you back for your kindness. As I jet around the world hobnobbing with the rich and famous, the 1% as you might refer to them, I will keep you in mind and as I pass over your homes in my jet (which you have in your wisdom paid for by your contributions to Livestrong.com) I will scatter fresh cash out the window. That's right. Fresh Cash.
And to you members of The Detested Clinic, I have recently retrofit the bathroom holding tanks of my jet to disperse their contents upon your heads. And I know where you live.
“Look up in the Sky! It's a bird It's a plane! It's …......(splat)
And at this time I want to take the opportunity to thank Mitt Romney for offering me the position of VP on the Republican Party ticket. Thanks Mittens, you won't regret it.
And you thought you had seen the last of me. I aint going nowhere.