Post your draft of Lance Armstrong's public admission letter

[Jack Ruby]

Hard to do better than the onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lance-armstrong-wants-to-tell-nation-something-but,17973/

 

[SilentAssassin]

"I am sorry for dominating the tour seven times clean. Maybe if I had doped I could of made a deal with USADA like the other 'witnesses' in this case, and kept my seven titles. GG."

- Lancey Poo

 

[snackattack]

 

[D-Queued]

...

We drove to the Château de Chillon where I was escorted into room over looking the lake. I waited patiently for over an hour when the man in the grey flannel suit appeared once more.

...

Beautiful!

Just highlighting the subtle bit in case others might want to catch the analogy.

Dave.

 

[Fearless Greg Lemond]

The Hog poisoned me, from childhood. I am the victim.

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

Beautiful!

Just highlighting the subtle bit in case others might want to catch the analogy.

Dave.

Don't quite follow, and I know some French.....?

 

[Zam_Olyas]

I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps "Oh look at that!" Then- whoosh, and I'm gone...and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me- ever. I was just testing the bounds of reality, i was curious to see what would happen, That's all it was curiosity. I will not take questions.Thank you.

 

[Microchip]

Originally Posted by D-Queued
Beautiful!

Just highlighting the subtle bit in case others might want to catch the analogy.

Dave.

Don't quite follow, and I know some French.....?

Yes, moi aussi. Would you explain?

 

[D-Queued]

Yes, moi aussi. Would you explain?

Chateau de Chillon was the setting for the inspiration of Frankenstein.

Dave.

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

Chateau de Chillon was the setting for the inspiration of Frankenstein.

Dave.

Frankenstein is Swiss???? Bordel de merde........

 

[D-Queued]

Frankenstein is Swiss????

How does Swiss law work?

Does the act of creation make it a Swiss good, or is the sum of the parts and their origin?

(Mary Shelley wrote it... she was an English novelist, and the novel was published in London)

Dave.

 

[Fortyninefourteen]

Okay everybody......get out your pens and pencils and start writing......

 

[meat puppet]

This is a testament, I never expected to have to write. I have been met with deep sorrow. My heart is broken, my pain and I do not the number of words to describe. A big part of my world crumbled in the summer of 2012 when I got to the great shock to hear that I had been caught doping. My life's worst nightmare had begun.

I am in my life always tried to take the response to my actions and my life matters, and so I also do now. Top-level athlete would have been for me to find out and be aware of the material received from the leading positive doping result. Now I get this huge error to pay a high price. I am thinking of running a number of questions, and no matter how hard I try to rebel against, I can not change took place.

I believe that God wanted this for me, so fair. Bottom of my heart I want to ask forgiveness for my mistakes from the American people, God and the entire athletic world. At the same time I would like to thank all my supporters humble over the years. You have helped me along with my family to carry on. Now, more than ever, they need support.

Sports gave me a lot, a lot of it also took. Now it is no longer in a hurry. The battle is over. It is time for a new life. A long time ago, when a small boy Tervanevalle countersink for the first time my legs, my life began a great adventure, which became a never-ending pain. I fell and got up, over and over again. Thousands of liters of sweat and tears were now mourning colors. From there I also mustered a strength, too, that helps get through adversity.

Once again, my ears heard from that quiet Tar Neva mystical invitation. Humility, gratitude, and a solitary walk in there now headwind for the last time back, kneel, I admit defeat and ask for peace to my soul.

Courtesy of the late Mika Myllylä and google translate.

 

[howsteepisit]

I think that he must add in how in his early days that he did use drugs (B.C).), then when he came back he needed to use to very same drugs that saved his life to compete on the level table and continue the fight against cancer(AC). What happened to me was BC I was selfish, but AC I reformed and was forced to use drugs to keep the hopes and dreams alive for the billions of cancer survivors worldwide. (Standard Joseph Campbell mythology ..Hero Rise-fall-redemption twice over! Greatest sports story ever told. I the great Lance risked recurring cancer to help cancer victims all over the world!!)

 

[86TDFWinner]

Since this may eventually become a reality, we should assist in the crafting of the most appropriate text for this statement. Should be complete, contrite, and maybe even humorous.

LOL, nice!!!

 

[86TDFWinner]

'I have to admit to doping or lose everything but I swear on my mother's head (or any reasonable facsimile of mom) that I didn't. After all the good I have done (for myself) and for cancer awareness (but really just myself)... It's just a shame some people hate excellence and love destroying it. Everyone is lying. Except me. and by the way I am Jesus.'

"You and I know who really won those 7 Tour De Frances".....

 

[86TDFWinner]

From the desk of Armstrong:

Dear fans, cyclists, patriots, and others:

It is with great dismay that I have wrestled with what the USADA has wrought upon me. With great conviction and spirit, my therapist and I have struggled with the issue of 'who am I' and 'who I was'. With much soul searching and a series of breakthroughs, we both discovered that I was essentially in a Dissociative Fugue state during most of my time I 'was' a cyclist. So you see friends, what I mean to say is that who I was was not who I really am.

The hallowed reserve of truth that is Wikipedia states that a "Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity." The wandering I exhibited was mostly contained to France, the new identity was that of a world class cyclist. But you see, the problem was that I was not as good as I thought I could be, so in order to put some foundation to this identity I skirted rules, purchased souls, and injested a small pharmacy worth of drugs, all this so that I could be a lycra wearing alpha male.

Sadly, this '7 Time Tour Winner' is not who I really am or in fact was. What caused this fugue state to grip and corrode my soul? Was it the cancer? Was it the sight of Didi Senft in a red unitard? I don't know if I'll ever know.

Currently, my goals and aspirations are much more modest. My therapist and I have both concluded that a life outside of the spotlight is much more agreeable to who I really am. Therefore, I plan on retiring to an Idaho potato farm to raise championship potatos, with the hopes that some day one of my prize potatoes will somehow land me on a taping of Hee Haw. That would be.....nice.

Regards,

LA

Nice! So much for his "I wont address this issue, now or in the future ever again" statement he repeatedly made huh?

 

[86TDFWinner]

If I were him I would totally throw Johan & Fat Pat under the bus

FTFW Reads much better now

 

[frenchfry]

.... blah blah blah ....

I stopped doping in 2006.

.... blah blah blah ....

 

[noddy69]

My take is simple.Cancer card so nothing new really.


I didnt dope until after I got cancer....I was trying so hard and getting nowhere even though I knew I was the best out there........

All the europeans were doping, my life had flashed and I knew what I had to do. I didnt know how long I would be here so I doped.....

I saw the hope it gave to cancer survivors like me, saint lance, and decided that I would crusade to help cancer survivors to give them something to aim at to believe in...I kept going to help others...

See I am a Hero.....the end.

 

[D-Queued]

.... blah blah blah ....

I stopped doping in 2006.

.... blah blah blah ....

Well said.

Dave.

 

[ChewbaccaD]

Here are some ideas I posted on Twitter:

Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "FRS is just Mountain Dew cut with tap water."
Expand

10m Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I have masturbated to that picture of me and McConaughey running."
Expand

12m Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: I rode Lemonds painted like Treks."
Expand

15m Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I wore those dark socks to hide the bleeding from my stigmata."
Expand

16m Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I am the Zodiac killer."
Expand

18m Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I was actually born in Kenya."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I should have stuck with Tri."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." (thanks for the idea jeff)
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I laughed a little bit when Beloki fell down which is why I misjudged the corner."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "Neil Browne didn't destroy cycling, I did."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "It wasn't doping, I had a motor in my seat tube like Cancellara."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "Betsy wasn't in the room when I told my Dr. I used EPO, she was just outside the door."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "Johan should have confessed before me, but somebody had to draw the short straw."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I paid a dude to gap Contador in the crosswind."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I had my eye on that Olsen twin before she turned 18."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "Ferrari didn't write any training plans for me, I paid him to teach me Italian."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I wasn't on my bike 6 hours a day...it was only 5 and a half."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I really should have given Floyd a job."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: Simeoni wouldn't have won the stage anyway."
Expand

18h Thoughtforfood ‏@ChewbaccaD
Lance's confession: "I didn't have a TUE for that corticosteroid"
Expand

 

[pedaling squares]

Lance's confession: I rode Lemonds painted like Treks."

Now that's funny.

 

[pedaling squares]

Lance's confession: "I have masturbated to that picture of me and McConaughey running."

That's only a partial confession unless he admits that it was actually a dutch rudder with ChrisE holding the photo in one hand, the forearm in the other.

 

[pralc50]

To all my friends, fans and teammates. I have been a fraud.
I want to say, have never taken illegal PEDs or been involved in blood doping.

I have always been superior to all those around me. I always felt a need to win
the most demanding bike race in the world – the Tour De France. I needed a strong team around me. Riders like myself, I was always so much better than the riders around me. That destroyed their “mental toughness”, their natural abilities to succeed. You can
look at riders that have since confessed to their own failures. They were too weak on their own and blamed me for their shortcomings.

That is where the fraud began. The Omerta in the Omerta. I injected myself with placebos and told my teammates that I had discovered a miracle drug. I supplied them with the same placebos. This provided them with the confidence they needed. We regularly withdrew blood to make sure all our riders were healthy.
We never re-injected our blood. We provided a saline solution with a dye to look like an infusion. This was once again put of my fraud. I had to instill a belief in my team that we were invincible. It worked; we won 7 tours in a row. But we never doped, unfortunately
when certain members left the team they still felt a need to pursue these miracle drugs. This is where they began their own pursuit of illegal PED and deceiving the cycling fans. When they were caught by a diligent UCI anti-doping program they all pointed back to me. I have to say the only mistake that I made was not confessing to my team mates that I had defrauded them. I have never taken performance enhancing drugs. I have passed over 500 tests. LA