You see, I’m not like a lot of the others around here. So many people trying desperately to dodge the dreaded “hater” label. Not me. I’ve always embraced it. I hate everything I see when it comes to the narcissistic, manipulative, bullying, intimidating, petty, vindictive, and outright lying side of Lance Armstrong. I really do. I think “hate” is the appropriate word for me. Maybe some people are attracted to that kind of behavior. Maybe they like working for people like that, or doing business with people like that, or get some sort of satisfaction from seeing people like that succeed. Not me. I hate that.
You see, this whole sordid affair sort of began because, well, Lance Armstrong used to be a very successful professional cyclist. And this place here, as it turns out, is a website dedicated to professional cycling. How cool is that! We get to come together to discuss all things cycling! Now, there is a dark side to all of this. Shhhh, it’s not very pretty. As it turns out, there have been whispers, rumors, innuendo, even eyewitness accounts, that suggest that Lance Armstrong broke some of the rules along the pathway to his 7-times of awesomeness. So naturally, this topic ended up being discussed on here. Lot’s of different opinions on the matter. Makes for quite a fun read if you have a several months to peruse the forum archives.
Lance denied this all along, of course. Can you blame him? He’s a friggin’ champion! His awesomeness is known around the world! He doesn’t have to concern himself with other peoples “rules.” What do you think he is, some sort of loser? But Lance wasn’t happy with what some people were saying about him. Even said some very nasty things himself about those people who told some of those dirty little secrets. He really doesn’t care for that sort of thing.
But now, all of a sudden, there is word that the people in charge of making sure that athletes DO play by the rules seem to have a renewed interest in Lance’s background. As it turns out, there’s a chance, a pico-chance at least, that those same people will gain access to some of this recent testimony we’ve been hearing so much about. Yup, THAT testimony. Oh boy. This is definitely NOT the kind of thing that funny man Phil Liggett wants us to know about. No siree. That wouldn’t make for very good commentary just prior to sidekick Paul’s warning us about the dangers of touching one’s breaks in the middle of a sprint build up. Nope. Nor would that sort of thing look good if spelled out to us by one of those fancy Nike chalkbots. Words like Christian Vande Velde just have too many darn letters for that type of thing anyway. Although, I suppose they could just use acronyms to fit in the relevant parts. EPO would probably fit. Most likely.
It’s kind of funny when you think about it, really. Isn’t this where we started? Doping in cycling, Lance lying about his doping, others confirming his doping? Wow, we’ve come full circle. Kind of like laps on the Champs-Élysées! It goes a little bit up, it goes a little bit down, it can get going pretty quickly at times, it’s always bumpy...and you never know just when someone from the crowd is going step out of line and bring the whole thing crashing down. But everyone always gets back up again and the race continues on. But with each passing year, it does become more and more predictable. Lot’s of people don’t even bother watching that stage of the race anymore. SSDD.
But if this latest chapter does contain any new stories, you guys will know all about it long before 60 Minutes, Sports Illustrated or ESPN. Long before Bill Strickland gets teary-eyed about it. Long before The Boulder Report uses too many words to describe it (the nerve). Even long before Daniel Benson beats Velonews by 36 hours to inform the rest of the cycling world. Yup, you guys will already be in-the-know.
How so? The advanced info will be playing on your favorite station! Duh. And you’ll be tuned in, as always. Of course you’ll do your best to create static. You’ll try to move the antennas around a bit, you’ll even fight over the dial and do your best to change to another station (which really isn’t very nice, especially when someone else is driving). Then the mods will threaten to pull the car over if you don’t stop. No worries though. They won’t. They never do. They might spank a few of you. They might even slow the car down pretending like they’re going to stop, but they won’t. And neither will you. You’ll just keep at it. But if the same old tricks don’t work, you’ll just turn up the volume so that EVERYTHING that comes out sounds distorted. I used to do that when my sister would listen to the soundtrack from Grease, over and over again, on the family record player.
I got chiiiills, they’re mutliplyin’
and I’m loooosin’ control
‘cause the power, you’re supplyin’
it’s electrifyin’!
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