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What would you do if you GUILTILY tested positive?

Mar 13, 2009
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Ok, so you test positive. You had my soigneur Txema putting a heated testo patch on your nut sack post massage.

You fail the isotope test, after failing the screening test at 11:1 testo-epi.

How do you handle this. Defend? What strategies?
 
Jul 1, 2009
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Change hair colour, no more epo golden.
Then hire a hacker for the lab and a couple of trolls for this forum. Then go with the usual unborn twin brother excuse, get a TUE, start a website funding for my defence and UCI donations and kind of take it from there.

I would feel pretty safe.
 
Apr 28, 2009
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Go on twitter and imply that a book telling all the secrets is in the works, and then wait for hush money to come in.

And butter up cyclingnews, velonews and other media so they keep on writing positively about me, and even putting me on their covers.
 
Wherever the lab is, invent a reason why that country has been out to get your own one.
Tell everyone that you're afraid of needles, and think that even vitamins are against your morals.
If there's a witness, just say they are trying to cash in.
And then just say the test is not reliable. After all, Basso maintained that DNA testing wouldn't conclusively show whether his blood was there or not.
But the biggest and best excuse, if found guilty, is to say that I wouldn't dope, because I'm racing for my charitable foundation.
 
Mar 13, 2009
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I'd have a list of all the labs and contacts to bribe so when my A sample returns positive I know who to bribe and how much so that B doesn't also. Once A and B are positive and public...gone.
 
I can tell you what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't hire these jackasses:

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Oct 29, 2009
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Well, I definitely wouldn't do what Floyd and Tyler did after they guiltily tested positive... their strategy didn't work out to well for them.
 
Jul 23, 2009
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I'd call a hasty meeting with my DS, my advisors, and my team doctors. I'd convince them not to use the dead twin excuse, and I'd get the docs to sign a retroactive TUE even if I'd already signed a document saying that I use no TUE's. Oh yeah, I'd kick the soigneur out of the room first. It'd work like a charm.
 
Mar 13, 2009
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the delgados said:
what would you do, blackcat?

me, the relativist perspective?

Well, lets assume I rode in the peloton, and matched wits and pharmacy cabinets with them. Presumes I was open to indoctrination in the culture and ethics. Do I charge hard like Floyd and Dr Dave Bruylandts? Or do I do just enough to finish a GT. Say only "recovery therapy" as Dave Millar puts it oh so euphemistically.

First pov. I charge like a guy going for Mr Olympia. I get popped, something stuffed up, I did not mean to go positive obviously.

DENY, DENY, DENY. Then assess bank balance, and cost benefit ratio. Living in an Anglophone country, I know the population and fandom are more gullible. I get B tested. Then I probably try and get a lawyer thru the network at the national fed, to represent me.

Plan 1. Pull the Rabbit.


Second perspective. I have gone so far down the cesspool culture rabbit hole, I have no morals about shooting everyone to get me back. I use every trick in the book. I doped til I could have dropped Tommy Simpson, but I got popped instead. No compunction at pulling down those, if it gives me back my place in the peloton. Deny, use any excuse. Offer bribes. Anything. But never rat out the peloton.

Shoot the messengers, crapshoot the defense, shoot the father in law.


Third perspective.

Never lost any ethical or moral grounding. Come completely clean. Go into a different career. Thank your lucky stars you were rid of that lifestyle.


Got no idea. If anyone thinks they would take up the sport, go pro, want to make the Protour, ride GTs, and then refuse to dope, well, I admire the self confidence. Folks do that, and dont dope. But I dont think anyone could know what the decision would be, when placed with the inducements, and a slippery slope.
 
Jun 19, 2009
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blackcat said:
me, the relativist perspective?

Well, lets assume I rode in the peloton, and matched wits and pharmacy cabinets with them. Presumes I was open to indoctrination in the culture and ethics. Do I charge hard like Floyd and Dr Dave Bruylandts? Or do I do just enough to finish a GT. Say only "recovery therapy" as Dave Millar puts it oh so euphemistically.

First pov. I charge like a guy going for Mr Olympia. I get popped, something stuffed up, I did not mean to go positive obviously.

DENY, DENY, DENY. Then assess bank balance, and cost benefit ratio. Living in an Anglophone country, I know the population and fandom are more gullible. I get B tested. Then I probably try and get a lawyer thru the network at the national fed, to represent me.

Plan 1. Pull the Rabbit.


Second perspective. I have gone so far down the cesspool culture rabbit hole, I have no morals about shooting everyone to get me back. I use every trick in the book. I doped til I could have dropped Tommy Simpson, but I got popped instead. No compunction at pulling down those, if it gives me back my place in the peloton. Deny, use any excuse. Offer bribes. Anything. But never rat out the peloton.

Shoot the messengers, crapshoot the defense, shoot the father in law.


Third perspective.

Never lost any ethical or moral grounding. Come completely clean. Go into a different career. Thank your lucky stars you were rid of that lifestyle.


Got no idea. If anyone thinks they would take up the sport, go pro, want to make the Protour, ride GTs, and then refuse to dope, well, I admire the self confidence. Folks do that, and dont dope. But I dont think anyone could know what the decision would be, when placed with the inducements, and a slippery slope.

Wait, there's still another option for the media friendly: cry, go on Oprah, write the book.
 
Jan 30, 2010
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I would actually confess straight after the A-sample. Immediately apoligise to friends, family, teammates at a press conference. Accept any suspension given to you. After the press conference, never talk to the media again, until you sign with a new team (at the end of suspension) and then claim you are a new rider/man.

DO NOT tell anyone where you got the drugs. It wasn't teammates, team doctors, nothing. No information whatsover to blame someone else. Take ALL the blame yourself. Clear your consience.

During your suspension. Train your **** off, CLEAN. Rocky Balboa style - go live in the mountains for 12-18 months (assuming you get 2 years suspension). Take up local mountain bike racing to keep the competitive edge.

Also, watch cycling religiously. Go learn the history again. Get reinspired to come back CLEAN.

These types of roles in the 2 year suspension will at least give you a better chance of getting a new team, getting some new fans, getting some income, and maybe, if you believe you can compete clean, get some fresh results.

Ideally, if you were a GT contender/winner before the suspension, do not even bother trying to win one after the suspension - that was the old you. If you were a climber-GC rider, go for the KOM or something. If you were a TT-GC rider, aim for time trials only. Third option, become a super-domestique, pledging to help your team leader win clean.

That's what I would do. But hey, I wouldn't have doped in the first place. So the only way I test positive is innocently... ;)

Finally, don't expect to be welcomed back with open arms by fans and teammates. After all, you cheated. You were scum then, but every one gets a second chance to redeem themselves, so make the most of it and FFS DO NOT EVER TOUCH THE DRUGS AGAIN!!!
 
"If I had really doped, in my position, I would deserve to be put in jail".

No, really, I would confess, and add to remarks of Kohl, etc, that it would be rare to find a rider of my level that doesn't dope. Supplements help, but are a booooring looong way to success. 19 out 20 chance to get away with it and be a sports hero, only 1 out of 20 don't go for those odds.

I can imagine doping is an easy mistake to make. It happens in seconds. In such a moment, it's seen as the right thing to do. The result never goes away, and you're sorry forever.
 
Jul 14, 2009
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Get a job as a waiter(cash,very little taxes,nighttime work hours,free food and wine) Put an ad on craigslist and at bike shops to coach Cat 3,4,5's and hot cougar triathletes.Keep my mouth shut and train. No interviews, donate dumpster dived bicycles to ghetto racers. Race for a Mexican,S,American team for 1st comeback year and win every crit/flat race that my club would send me to. Have single color t-shirts printed with clubs name on them and hand them out for free at races..ok these are not my ideas but they worked for people I know. Make sure to get an apt in Imperial Beach or TJ to save money.*sell musical inst that you never learned to play this part is critical*. Always act disinterested in lesbians,the payoff is beyond explanation.Get your 1st student loan in your 30's.
 
Jun 15, 2009
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blackcat said:
Ok, so you test positive. You had my soigneur Txema putting a heated testo patch on your nut sack post massage.

You fail the isotope test, after failing the screening test at 11:1 testo-epi.

How do you handle this. Defend? What strategies?

Deny, es verybody does until fans start to boycott (which i do). I dont buy anything which is in cycling-commercials. Exeption: Ullrich, because he was the only scapegat. Poor guy, am sorry for him.
 

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