Lame joke corner

[Fausto's Schnauzer]

A priest, a rabbi and an astronaut walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and asks "What is this...a joke?"

 

[krebs303]

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

You look a little pail!

 

[krebs303]

 

[ramjambunath]

Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through a flower show?


He won an award for best dried arrangement.

 

[usedtobefast]

what do you call a boomerang that does not come back???



a stick...

 

[ramjambunath]

'The little girl played something on the piano - "The Maiden's Prayer" by Sousa - Cohen said, "Say, Levitski, what do you think of her execution?" - I said, "I'm in favour of it".'


'Do you serve lobsters?'
'We serve anybody, sir.'

'Where were you born?' 'Liverpool'
'What part?' 'All of me'
'Have you lived there all your life?''Not yet'
'Any great men born there?' 'No - only babies'

 

[El Pistolero]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYarJObV7s4

You need to be familiar with the Punch out series though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffBx-tRj2Do&feature=related

After the first vid, watch this one

 

[RedheadDane]

'Where were you born?' 'Liverpool'
'What part?' 'All of me'

Reminded me of another one:

When is your birthday?
October 27th.
What year?
Every year

 

[Cobblestoned]

A: Did you just gape at my wife ?
B: No !
A: You wanne say that she is ugly ?

 

[meat puppet]

Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"

 

[ramjambunath]

Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"

That's rancid, yet intelligent.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Because it's pointless.

What'll Postman Pat be known as after he retires?

Pat

 

[ramjambunath]

 

[El Pistolero]

^ What a lame joke

 

[ramjambunath]

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Along the same lines, why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

 

[Tank Engine]

A Limerick from Limerick

There was a young man from Aberdeen
Who was, at times, somewhat obscene
He said, I do look cute
In my birthday suit
But on the high street, he made quite a scene

 

[ramjambunath]

Chinese messages
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
"Virginity like bubble. One *** - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

 

[ramjambunath]

A pedant walks into a bar
Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's really a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.

 

[RedheadDane]

So... at the social-group I attend we have a bit of a recurring "joke":

"Are you asperger or what?"

It's a social-group for people with asperger's...

 

[twothirds]

What's slimy and messy and makes everyone say "eww, eww, eww" instead of "ho, ho, ho'?


Placenta Clause

 

[Michielveedeebee]

*** edited by mod ***

 

[Alpe d'Huez]

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for several years with a big pond out back. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One afternoon the farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while. So he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When the women saw him they quickly went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Michielveedeebee]

Hehe, nice one Alpe

 

[twothirds]

What's the difference between avian flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.

 

[on3m@n@rmy]

Sweet Alpe and 2/3's.

Ok. Why do cows wear cow bells?





Their horns don't work.


What did the snail on the turtle say?





Wheeeeeeee!

 

[yellowjersey]

didnt get the first joke but some are really funny!