Lame joke corner

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The Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
 
Jan 14, 2011
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don't quite get the joke, but

RedheadDane said:
So... at the social-group I attend we have a bit of a recurring "joke":

"Are you asperger or what?"

It's a social-group for people with asperger's...:rolleyes:

I hope it does not effect your cycling. Be careful, OK?

Hear the one about the 10 inch pianist?
 
the south heimlich maneuver

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right b-u-t-t cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
Red Rick said:

Oh my. I understood maybe 4 words: nose, cold, and f _ _ _ ing h _ _ l,
but got the whole point. Wow :D


AngusW said:
Andy Schleck walks into a bar. The barman says: "Why the long face?"

Yeah, good one. Sad part is, there maybe nothing Andy can do about it.
 
Oct 1, 2010
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A duck walks into a bar.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: I just said "No"
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Are you deaf? I said "No"
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: This is a bar! We don't have any bread!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: You ask me that one more time and I'll nail your beak to the wall!
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: Umm.. no.
Duck: Got any bread?
 
Nov 9, 2010
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Did you guys know that Shrek used to be called Hulk?

But one day he ran into Chuck Norris, and FBI had to give him a new identity and hide him in the forest :D
 
Aug 7, 2010
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Red Rick said:
Don't get started on Chuck Norris jokes, they are too lame to be just lame, if you get me

251575d1330183915-slovaks-vote-name-bridge-chuck-norris-chuckerace.jpg
 
Oct 1, 2010
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Two nuns, Margaret and Mary, are driving through the Transylvanian mountains in a little car.

Without warning, Dracula drops onto the car and lies flat on the bonnet, his face pressed up against the windscreen.

"Lord save us! It's Dracula," says Mary. "What should I do, sister Margaret?"

"Quick, sister Mary," says Margaret, "start your windscreen wipers - that'll upset him."

Mary starts the windscreen wipers. Dracula's nose gets swatted several times by the wipers, but he clings to the car, opens his mouth and snarls at the nuns.

"Holy Mary, mother of god! He's looks even more menacing," says Mary. "What do I do now?"

"Squirt him with the windscreen washer, sister Mary," says Margaret, "I filled it up this morning with holy water."

Mary presses the button on the dashboard and water sprays over Dracula. Wisps of smoke rise from his body from where the holy water has hit him, but he still clings to the car and starts chewing through the windscreen.

"Jesus Christ Almighty!" says Mary. "It's not working - what do I do?"

"No time to lose, sister Mary," says Margaret, "show him your cross!"

So sister Mary says:

Oi! You great gobshite! Get the fuck off our car!
 
Jul 7, 2009
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Two blondes are driving a country road when they see two blondes in a canoe in the field next to them, paddling their butts off, but going nowhere.

The first blonde says "You see that? Blondes like that give us a bad name!"

The second blonde says "I know, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out and help them...."


My wife (a blonde) just doesn't seem to get this joke...:eek: Just kidding! it's really her favorite joke.
 
Dec 30, 2011
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Dont know if these have been mentioned, but...


Q Why did the plane crash?

A Because the pilot was a mushroom..
 
!

alberto and lance both 7 time grand tour winners

police inspect an abandoned ice cream van................inside the vendor is dead..........covered in hundreds and thousands

police believe that he had 'topped' himself