mr. tibbs said:
Dear young Master Phinney:
You will have a lot of fun on Team Radio Shack. You'll get to do all the big races, like Sarthe, Algarve, the Criterium International, Castilla y Leon, and Romandie. Maybe someday you'll even work your way up to the biggest races on the calendar, the illustrious Tour of California and that other one somewhere in Europe.
But don't worry, you'll have fun playing UNO with Machado at the other races I've mentioned for the next few years. It'll be like one long sleepover!
Now, here is a cheat sheet listing your talking points. If you're ever in doubt, just say something negative about Lemond or Landis. Remember: whenever you do something amazing on a bike, be sure to contextualize it by noting that, if Mr. Armstrong were here (go ahead and just call him Lance, though), you would not have been the strongest on the day, and would have taken second place.
Well, Phinstrong--is it okay if we call you Phinstrong?--that about wraps up orientation. Let me know if you have any questions--and oh, wait, that's the adult table. Your seat is over here at the kid's table. You can sit next to Rosselerstrong. You can tell by his limited palmares this year that he still has a lot to learn, too. Maybe you can teach each other. Scoot over a bit so everyone can fit, Machastrong. Thanks.
You kids have fun now, and we'll let you know when we need a PR boost--I mean, a strong young cyclist to carry the standard of the sport into a new era of clean cycling. Or something.
Sincerely,
etc.